I still don’t understand myself.
I’m an advocate that we are all on our own journey’s; individually we have our own path, speed, and terrain. No one path will be similar and it is ever changing.
Just like we are.
Here’s where I struggle… and that might not even be the right word.
Believe me when I say that I will never judge or try to talk you out of your beliefs because I have had a wild ride on my life’s rollercoaster. 32 years of bumpy rides, repressed memories, toxic relationships, manipulation, abandonment, trauma, breaking points, rock bottom, self-sabotage, therapy, growth, understanding, love, adventure. And, still, I don’t understand parts of myself.
I have walked through the latter part of my 20s and now my early 30s being unabashedly myself. I listen to the needs and wants of my body, acting on a lot of things I probably shouldn’t have and embracing the lessons I was given. You see, I figured out that the only way I was consistently happy was when I was fully listening to everything that my body was saying.
And, it was working.
Until I fell back into old habits and stopped listening to my body.
I became quiet again. I didn’t allow myself to voice what I wanted or just going when I needed to go.
So, here I am, sitting with myself… writing it out.
Trying to right my mind; align my soul.
You see, I don’t think self-sabotage exists because people can’t see it through; I think it exists because there is something inside that is more motivated by a sense of comfort, and that when it goes away there is that trickle-down effect of uncertainty.
And, maybe this is what it takes, sitting down with myself.
Taking time to see that everything is okay.
I am still loved, cared for, understood.
I have a roof over my head, food in my belly.
I have a stable job that brings me a sense of accomplishment and shows me that I am making a difference in various people’s lives.
The truth is I have high expectations, lofty dreams, and ambitious goals.
I am motivated by my desire to create, to see, and to experience everything and nothing all at the same time.
When I am not able to do these things consistently, that’s when I withdraw.
I failed myself.
I went back on being imperfectly perfect, and steered straight into the idea that I need to be perfect. I was unwilling to mess up. I allowed myself to give up.
I am safe.
I am safe.
My desire to stay in what’s familiar comes from the exact same place that continuously drives me forward.
This is a growing season, a time to honor that place within me and move forward knowing that I love myself so deeply. I am going to embrace all of my wild dreams, lean into the imperfections.
I am going to water these roots, and allow them to stretch out so my branches can grow.
I am promising myself this: no matter how uncertain life may be, I will always have my own back.