I will be the first to admit it. I will be the first one to bring up the hard topics. I will ask all of the questions until I get the answer you will only admit to yourself. I will be the one to help, to hurt, to heal. I will feel it all.
And, lately, I’ve had this sense of realisation that as far as I have come, the world moves so much faster than I ever imagined.
So, this is my personal inventory.
My analysis, if you will, of how I have been feeling (because we all know I am not one to verbally communicate a lot of this).
For so long I had inner battles that interfered with me taking center stage. Destructive voices would incessantly scream at me. And, little did I know, my inner child was (un)consciously playing hide and seek becoming a master at the game. My glitter his underneath a parade of inauthentic representatives.
Ironically, I overlooked myself. That energy surrounded me enabling others to overlook me as well. In fact, at times this vibrational intensity only attracted those who were also negligent of my needs, my boundaries, my royalty.
I was invisible.
I would hold my breath.
I would dig my nails into my palms.
I would curse myself for not standing up, for not saying something, for not asking the questions.
I was broken.
I can’t begin to tell you when it changed, but it did.
The games of hide and seek stopped. The child inside of me opened her heart to the world again, no longer scared of what was out there.
I tattooed a crown on myself that very same day.
You see, through my lowest moments I was able to surround myself with the proper energy. Energy that refreshed my belief in humankind.
The questions I never asked, were being asked.
My opinions mattered.
I was attracting growth.
I am still attracting growth.
But I am also having those other feelings again – overlooked.
Except this time, I voiced them.
It’s a scary thing telling or confronting those that you care about with things that test the waters in any relationship. The vulnerability in stating my feelings filled every word that came out of my mouth with anxious tension.
I felt overlooked on one of my biggest days yet but not even by those who shared that moment with me.
I felt overlooked because my life isn’t moving at the same pace as others.
I felt overlooked because what if I never get to share in that same sentiment.
I felt overlooked because it wasn’t just about me.
Even as I said it.
Even as I asked the questions.
I felt silly for even thinking it.
I also felt validated because I was being true to myself and my feelings.
And, even as I sit here and write this, erasing so much of this…
I feel silly.
My life knows my own abilities. This journey I am on is one I am capable of following. I will never run away from the bad feelings, I will embrace them. I will continually assess what is stopping me from living out all of my phases. I will give thanks to my life, my thoughts and know that I am honouring exactly who I am.
Exhale the dark.
Inhale the light, brilliantly, exuberantly, and unapologetically.