Circles

There was a point in time where I told you that I don’t write about friendships very often, which is true. It’s hard for me to encapsulate the depth of a friendship into words without making it sound like I am professing my love for someone, only for them to take it the wrong way.

When you read words, they get lost in translation.
When you read words, the message can sometimes get misconstrued.

You see, I have been through a lot in my life.
I have seen things, done things, and just plainly lived a life where “Go,” and “Run,” are the first things that pop into my head whenever things get tough or get too real.
You see, too many times I have been friends with people and they just fall.

I have had a number of conversations, all resulting in the same twisted ending. And, now, now I am just running in circles with you.

Our story is simple… or so I thought.

It was like I had known you before, running through simple scenarios, some weirdly wild cosmic connection. For me, that’s all it was. A long-lost friend that I had known in another life finally coming back. You helped me get back up after so many lows. You allowed me to see the person I was hiding in fear that I would hurt someone’s feelings. You allowed the judgements that others held over me to just slip away. You helped me, time and time again. I was forever in awe of your determination, your understanding.

Sure, I knew the love that you held for me wasn’t that of friendship, but I also thought that you understood that it just wasn’t anything else to me.

Conversation after conversation.

Still, like a moth to a flame, I guess I pushed too hard to keep my friend in my life.

It was twisted.

And, even as hard as I tried to stay away, to give space… I missed my friend.

So, the circles began.

I guess this last one was it.

Our friendship was over before it ever had a chance to flourish.

But that’s just some sick phrase we tell people when they ask what happened. You make some self-deprecating joke. Turn it around on yourself, call it your own problem. You tell yourself that: “Maybe this is it, the only one, and I can’t even have it.”

I remember what that was like, losing faith in reality and getting stuck inside some fantasy.

I understand, but, not really.

It can feel like a ludicrous place to be, friend-zoned, as if we regulate people we don’t have feelings for to lowly friends.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK...

Friends are fucking wonderful.

Friends can make you laugh until you cry. Friends will hold you when you can’t stop crying. Friends will encourage all of your foolish thoughts (even if you don’t go through with them). Friends understand you and are always there for you.

Friends somehow love you even though they see you in your realest form.

How is that anything bad?

You have someone who loves you, and you love them. You love them in such a way that is powerful, unconditional… even if deep down you know that they will never feel the same – you can’t blame or force that on them.

Even if it will always be one-sided, they will always be there for you.

I also know this: Not everyone has these same thoughts. For some, it’s just too much to handle.

And, if this is for the best, it’s for the best.

I just want to make it hurt less for you.

And, in a world where break-ups are a real thing, no one ever tells you how to break-up with a friend. You can’t just say: We can try and still be friends because there is no going back.

I guess I just don’t know what to do.

Do I save the burning bridge or just walk away?

Time will tell…


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