Ready or Not…

Have you ever had to start over completely?

Some of you are probably shaking your heads no, others nodding in agreement. Either way, you can probably follow along quite well because life is pretty ironic when it wants to be.

Movies, TV, books… they all try to portray something that could be relatable in one way or another. You can put yourself in the characters shoes, seeing yourself as them, walking along as they make mistakes or have grand adventures. Alongside them you learn the same lessons, but different, because if you haven’t been there you won’t really know. Sometimes it’s hard for us to comprehend the drama. the hostility, the violence, the love. Sometimes it’s hard to take the lessons that we learn from our favourite characters and adapt them into our personal lives.

As much as some of us would LOVE to have our lives play out like movies or books, it just doesn’t happen that way.

Ready or not, the journey of our lives will continue to go onward.
Ready or not, the journey of our lives will send us for a ride.
Ready or not, the journey of our lives will have us scratching out heads.

Ready or not…

What was the biggest loop life threw at you?

Do you care to know mine?

Even if you don’t, I’m going to tell you anyways.

My life hasn’t been easy. And, if you remember, or have been around from the beginning, I have told you a little bit about that. Through extensive therapy, self-healing, introspection, and a lot of idle chit-chat surrounding the chaos of my life.

I came into this world fighting so hard, (and loudly) that I think the Universe truly knew that it was going to have it’s hands full with me in it. I was always curious, always aware of my surroundings. I would sit back watching, listening, helping. Maybe that’s what got me into Psychology in the first place. I was reading before I was talking. I would sit quietly with my books, reading or writing for hours.

Growing up I was liked, disliked, picked on, stepped on. I lost more than most, but I also gained a wide variety of people, teachings, items, skills. I cried more than I laughed. I took the hard road, struggling my way through the easiest of tasks. I would fall down, always picking myself back up again.

Therapy taught me that I was abandoned, lost, not heard. Therapy taught me that I have choices, a voice, and am pretty damn intelligent. Therapy taught me about my anxiety, my PTSD, my depression. Therapy taught me coping skills and how to talk openly about my life.

My biggest loop wasn’t losing my Grandpa at such a young age.
My biggest loop wasn’t feeling like I was the Mom.
My biggest loop wasn’t getting picked on all throughout school.
My biggest loop wasn’t chasing the boys.
My biggest loop wasn’t having the boys chase me.
My biggest loop wasn’t University.
My biggest loop wasn’t failing at a 14.5 year relationship.
My biggest loop wasn’t having to start over at 30 years old.

You see, my biggest loop was figuring out the complexities of myself.

For a lot of my life I would get lost, not physically but mentally. I would lose myself in situations, people, work. I would lose myself inside my own head, inside fantasies, inside fiction. I would lose myself so quickly because I had the need to please those I was with. I would lose myself because the realities of my life was either not appealing or was too hard. I would forget about me, and focus so hard on others that my own health (physical and mental) was severely diminished.

I didn’t fight for myself. I didn’t know who I was.

I didn’t know how to figure it out.

And, if I am being completely honest with you, it took me losing everything for me to be completely shocked out of bad habits.

I embraced the energy that I have. I embraced the quirks, the weirdness. I embraced everything I ever ran from because I gave zero fucks about who liked me.

You see, the energy that I gave to everyone else, I was now spending it only on myself. I was feeding everything that got neglected. I was seeing myself for the first time ever. All of the songs that were about falling in love, now only reminded me of myself because I have so much love for who I am. I say whatever is on my mind, without thinking, without worrying about whose feelings I will hurt. I also explain my thoughts out because sometimes I am a little too blunt or I come off as arrogant. I no longer hide my silliness, I let that goofball shine. I spread all the glitter with every step because damnit, the world deserves all the goodness.

Ready or not, I am here.
Ready or not, I am who I am.
Ready or not, I will never let anyone take my crown away.
Ready or not, you won’t forget me.

Ready or not.

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