Writing is hard.
It’s hard to come back to it after such a long time away. It’s hard to sit here, look at my computer screen and fail to process my thoughts properly.
Not to mention… life is fucking wild.
Here I am now, after another hiatus of sorts to say, hello.
Hi, I’m Shivonne.
If you’ve stumbled upon this somehow, welcome. If you’re returning, just as I am, welcome back.
I sure have missed you all.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself, a reintroduction, if you will.
I come from very little surrounded by varying degrees of love, abandonment, self-destruction, anger, depression, anxiety, trauma. I have come a long way, I continue to learn. I falter, I run, I scream, and I cry. I laugh, I joke, I praise, I hold on. And, I will fucking love you like it’s the last thing I will ever do.
I still make mistakes, and I will be the first one to admit to them (now).
The path I chose wasn’t always the prettiest past even though my outward appearance tells you otherwise. I guess I am the walking truth to the quote: “Behind the prettiest smiles comes the darkest truths.” And, I have my fair share.
I don’t like to admit to the things that I have done to others, nor do I like to come clean about the things I have done to myself or the things I have gone through. It takes a lot of trust, understanding, and so much patience that not many people want to take the time to truly get to know me… or maybe, I don’t want to take the time to allow people in.
And I am not about to start a new confession time now…
I will say this:
To those I loved, hurt, and destroyed; I should never have done the things that I did. No one human being should have to go through any of those things. It’s inexcusable, and the terminology behind actions aren’t what you or anyone needs. You need to be filled with the love that should have always been there. You need to be heard.
I am forever sorry and affected by my actions towards you all.
I will forever hold myself responsible to fix what I broke.
If you will let me.
Moving forward, and letting go of the past, of people is hard. I have been told that I have mastered this skill in ways that shouldn’t be humanly possible. It’s so easy for me to look at the situation, run through every possibility, and no matter what the outcome was; I breathe it in, I breathe it out, I let that shit go. Life, however long mine turns out to be, is far to short to be living under a dark cloud of what ifs. It’s too short to be upset, angry or allow the feelings of defeat creep their way into every crack. I can’t tell you how long it took me to do this, or even the process that I had to go through, just know that it’s not an easy road.
I choose happiness. I choose free. I choose wild.
I live a life where YES is used more times than NO. I live a life where I jump on opportunities. I live a life where I put myself out there. I live a life of adventure, of spontaneity.
I don’t allow anything or anyone to hold me back. I don’t allow the negative hands to choke me. I don’t allow anyone in when they have hurt me too many times (family included).
I don’t look too far ahead, it only creates anxiety.
I cherish the moments within the moments. I create lasting memories. I make a fool of myself. I embrace the universe.
Because, I might not know where I am going but I know I will get everything that is meant to be mine when the time is right.
That’s just how it goes.
So, I guess in a roundabout way, this is me telling you this:
Embrace the light that surrounds you. Embrace the darkness too.
You can find beauty in anything if you just look hard enough.
Trust in the things that are inside your control.
Don’t try to control what isn’t.
Surround yourself with likeminded people.
Surround yourself with love.
Don’t let yourself down.
Listen to your heart.
Listen to the wind.
Most of all…