Finding Myself

I find myself in the forest, snuggled in between fallen down trees and others standing so high that I can’t see their tops. It’s a little chilly but not too cold that I need a jacket, the moss and rocks cracking and smooshing underneath my feet. I have music playing quietly from my phone that sits in my pocket, I feel so alive booms out as the entire world around me quiets with the smallest breeze. It’s in that moment, the most surreal of experiences happen, I am able to let it all go – I am able to breathe again.

I can remember who was there, the sights, the sounds, the smells. The experience forever changed me, and I am only just now talking about it almost 5 months later.

I don’t remember the day that I lost myself or even how I allowed myself to become so lost in the first place, but I can remember the countless times where I would scream inside my own mind, asking the same questions on repeat:

When did it happen? Why did it happen? How did I let it get to this?

But, each time I remembered this, everyone is meant to lose themselves at least once in their lives.

I fought tooth and nail against my own thoughts – telling myself that I was the one to blame.

And, boy did I ever blame myself.

I suddenly found myself at the bottom of a very large mountain, one that I knew I would have to climb all by myself (with various pit-stops along the way because I can’t seem to do things in life once – it takes 2 or 7 times to create the lasting life lesson).

If I am being honest here, there was a time in my life that I lost myself within the relationships that I was in – regardless if those relationships were familial, friendships, or of the romantic variety. I would adapt to those around me, forgetting my own voice or the things that I wanted. I never really thought much of it until I took a good hard look at myself and couldn’t recognize the person that was staring back at me.

I sat back then and searched hard. Staring at those big green eyes that looked so foreign to me.

How does a person lose themselves so entirely that they don’t even remember if they actually like pepperoni on pizza or if the way they take their coffee really how they like it?

I can’t tell you how it happened, but it did. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to create waves. Maybe it was because it was just easier to do it the way everyone else does. Maybe it was fear that people wouldn’t like the real me.

Because it is known that the biggest factor in why we lose ourselves is rooted in fear, fear of the unknown to be exact. And, once I stopped blaming myself, I asked myself a very important question:

How can I be okay again?

And, it took time, so much time. I think I was searching for myself over the last 2 and half years. I got so lost that I forgot about the people who were in my life – I forgot that their feelings were being hurt by my actions too. I forgot how I was raised, I focused on only brief moments of time. I failed to recognize anything around me but my own instant gratification.

I am not proud of it.

But it taught me valuable lessons. Lessons that I keep locked away, mostly, because they are for me. I have grown so much. I am so much stronger than I ever knew.

And still…

At the end of the day, I am still a human. A human that is perfectly imperfect, one who makes mistakes and keeps getting back up. I stopped breaking down my actions and really started to analyze myself in ways that didn’t allow me to beat myself up over wrong turns.

Because, at the end of it, we are all playing this game called LIFE. There are cards that we have been dealt – sometime we can change a few of those cards in but the main players will still be there. With the limited amount of resources we must figure out how to navigate it all and prepare ourselves for whatever is thrown our way. Because even if you don’t have everything figured out, that’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay; it’s okay to even feel defeated.

All you have to do is keep getting back up. Be honest with yourself and those around you. Never fail to get your feelings out there. Remember you ALWAYS have a choice. Don’t change for anyone. Don’t forget your smile.

You’ll get there – sometimes it just takes a magical moment in time for you to realise exactly what is going on in your world before you can admit it to yourself. Because, no matter what happened before that moment, all of the moments that follow will make you forget that you were so lost in the first place.

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