When I Leave

I have always been the person who stays.

I write about it. I preach about it. I will go to the depths of the Earth for those that are in my bubble.

But, when you give me a good reason to walk away from you, when I leave – I will leave like I never cared about you at all.

I will leave you when I realise the worst thing you could have ever done was against not only my heart but to my mind. When you commit the WORST crime you could ever commit against me. That is when I will not look at you with compassion in my eyes.

I won’t seek any sort of closure from you. That knife you surprised me with not only went into my back but came out my front. The pain that I feel was not only a shock to my system but blindsided me to the point of no return.

I will will leave you the only way I know how to now – I’ll run from the crumbling building as it explodes in on itself. It will be loud, it will be fast.

Yet, I will leave you the way a sloth leaves the tree as it comes down only once a day. It goes ever so slowly, cautiously, quietly. I will be somebody entirely different here – you won’t recognize me.

Because this time, this time it will be as if you never touched me in your life.

I’m going to leave behind a silence so deafening that you will miss the sound of my footsteps on the stairs in the morning as I bring you coffee. The silence will creep up on you at night as you wish you could still hear the beating of my heart as you once laid your head on my chest. But, now, I hope you remember what you did to it as you nailed it up on the front door for everyone to see.

The nights that used to be filled with our laughter will feel threatening, heavy, and haunted by my memory. I will leave behind the saddest of melodies always playing on repeat as you saunter down the hallways. You’ll miss the way I used to bring life to even the saddest of songs.

I hope it hurts when I return to your dreams – once, twice, three times a week. I hope it hurts when you wake up gasping for air, not being able to get back to sleep.

You’ll start to miss the place that you can no longer call yours. You’ll try to look into your mind to remember the directions, but you will no longer be able to find home.

Because when I leave, I leave for good.

I will leave like I was never there.

You will look up to the stars and no longer marvel in their beauty. You will no longer be able to read the literature I told you about, hear the songs on that playlist.

I hope it hurts because nothing will ever look the same.

Because when I leave, I won’t go back.

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