Now it begins.
The beginning of a new chapter, heck the beginning of a new book.
I sit and I watch the sunset, and rise again over the horizon and for the first time in a long time, I smile – and, it is so big and bright that it could probably blind someone. Because, damn, this world is so full of goodness and there are so many good people out there.
I will say it here first: To the ones who brought me down, to the ones who stole my crown, to the ones who ruled my life for so long (longer than I want to admit); you no longer are granted any of my time or energy. It’s over. Because I can feel the light enter my heart again, I can feel it, the sun is finally back in my life and I am not wasting any more time.
And, to the weight, to the burden that I have carried around for so long on my shoulders… it’s been lifted, finally. I can stop checking, I can stop looking, I can stop thinking and wondering if I pass through any of your minds because I no longer care. And in its place, I can feel the morning breeze hit my face with a new intensity. My feet, even with them being still so clumsy, I step forward with a clear mind and an open heart. I look up, as if for the first time, and the path in front of me is no longer a mountain to climb (even though I love doing that) but a straight path.
To the girl I was before, the one who cared more about making others happy over herself. To the girl who did everything in her power to be enough for people who just wanted to change her. No more because you woke up not too long ago forever changed. Because when the sun broke through the clouds that morning, there was no more girl – in her place is someone that is ready to grow, to bloom. Me, and me alone, holds the key to my happiness, I can say no and not feel bad for it, I deserve the utmost respect – and, most importantly, I am the author of this damn story, you cannot take my pen or my crown ever again.
My year was rough, and I am not going to begin to even write about how it affected me or the people who were in my life. It does no one any good dwelling on things we cannot go back and change. I’ve loved and lost, and repeated the same course multiple times. I failed. I hurt people. I was left so many times filled with more sadness in my eyes and sorrow in my heart for one person to handle. I became riddled with depression, anxiety, and traumas I didn’t even know I had which created more trouble then I ever thought possible. But, all of it, all of it brought me here – Hi, I’m Shivonne, I am a fucking rebellious warrior that has seen some shit, done even worse shit but I never let any battle take me down.
And, now, 10 months into 2020 I can finally say: I have been brought happiness, I created happiness, I found happiness from within. These last 2 months have been filled with so many unexpected turns that, hell, thank you universe for doing all that you do because I couldn’t be in a better place. I survived, I am better than ever.
All of my losses have brought more gains – more love for myself. I am not egotistical, but damn, I’m the shit. I’m going to use up all this pain and turn it into the brightest energy you have ever seen a single person emit. I’m going to learn from my mistakes and never recreate any of them, those roads are going to be left so far in the past I won’t remember them. I’m going to be even more patient than I already was, and remember that life is a mixture of all the seasons and all the feelings. I’m going to step boldly into this new chapter without taking any steps back.
Because I have already accomplished so much. I have never been more proud of myself. I took all of the lemons life handed me and made something that resembled the best damn lemonade I have ever had in my life. I will be better, hell, I know I will be better – for me, for you, for us. I know there are more storms that will rage in the future but now I am much better prepared for anything that comes my way. Because with every sorrow that I will feel, every time my heart longs for something or someone; there will always be healing to follow, understanding to come, and acceptance that it will all be okay.
Because every chapter isn’t meant to hold magic, wonderment, passion, and love. There will be pages that will make you feel pain, sorrow, and loss too. That doesn’t mean it will take away from anything – it will allow me to move forward without taking any steps back. My book is ready, my book is waiting. The pen is in my hand. I deserve the world, and I am going to take it. I am extraordinary, wholesome, and full of life. I survived a year of absolute chaos, and I am still fighting to this day.
This is me saying to myself: Hey Shivonne, I adore you. Allow yourself to continue to move forward. Fight for what you want, make your voice heard. Push for the love, the joy, the passion. Take what is yours and never waiver from what you desire. This is your time. You have found your way.
New chapter commencing in 3… 2… 1…