It’s inevitable, chapters come to end all the time. We flip the pages hoping that they will continue, but at a certain point, there are no more pages to turn; the story is over.
I always hoped that when the ending came to this story it would be much different. I wanted a goodbye that felt right, a goodbye that felt as comforting as being in your arms when days felt like they couldn’t end fast enough. I wanted to be able to have all the loose ends tied neatly, no hard feelings or questions left unanswered. I wanted an ending where we could see each other and not hold resentment but still feel a love that was once there – because, at the end of it all, I will always love you.
But, eventually, I understood that our ending wouldn’t be like this. Our ending wouldn’t feel warm or comforting, especially because of how much love and hurt reside. Endings like this, they don’t bring us a sense of closure or contentment. With the loss that is here, I am learning that letting go is never neat, tidy or devoid of feelings. You feel it all, I feel it all. And, quite honestly, I was never made to lose people – my heart wasn’t built to let love just slip away so easily.
But, sometimes, you hold on too long to the things and people that we love. We hold on even when it doesn’t feel good, even when you know it is time to let go. We hold on until our knuckles turn white, fingers trembling. We hold on until we are forced to let go.
And that is exactly what happened here.
I can’t continue to hold on.
And even if there will always be a part of me that will always feel like I lost you too soon, before I was ready to let go; there is another part of me that will always remind myself that we had a long, long journey. We saw it all together. And even if the last bit of it was so rocky that our shoes were left broken with holes everywhere, the good that will eventually be remembered – that will survive anything else.
I am okay with our ending. It was imperfect, frayed, and undone. It was messy, chaotic, and filled with rage. It was confusing, helpless, and helpful. I am okay with our ending because there is still so much I see in you.
I see your strength. I see your heart. I see your humor. I see your growth.
But, what hurts the most, the fear that riddles me still – I fear that all of the good memories that we have together will forever be clouded for you. I fear that you will always hold anger towards me. I fear that you will forget the person I always tried to be for you. I fear you will forget me.
I fear that this turned out to mean nothing more than someone who was in your life for a really long time. Because, you had a pretty big impact on my entire life. You helped shape who I was, who I became, and bits of me that will move forward with me. I will never wash away our time together like the tide passing by. I don’t want to erase any of the memories because so many of them I wouldn’t of even experienced without you.
Because despite how either of us feel right now, we wrote a story that I will keep forever. It’s a collection of memories that I choose to keep forever.
And, I guess, I do know that this ending doesn’t erase our beginning or our middle. I know it doesn’t completely get rid of all the beautiful memories we create or the life that we shared together. I know that this ending doesn’t mean that the goodness can’t be cherished.
But I also know it is not fair to continue to bring it up, to live in those memories.
It’s not fair to you or your future.
Though painful, and difficult because the loss goes deeper than most – you are my best friend.
But, the curtain is about to go down – the final scene is done.
I don’t want this story to end with bitterness or resentment. I don’t want the jagged edges to taint whatever fairytale was there. We were more than our hardest moments. We cared, we loved, we hurt, we let go.
I think we deserve an ending that is as special as our time together. I think we deserve an ending that could pull us closer, even as we part ways. I think our ending should honor what we were. It was irreplaceable, it just wasn’t meant to continue. And, that is okay. Sometimes great stories are fleeting but that doesn’t mean that they don’t leave a lasting impression.
So, I want you to know this:
I won’t forget you. I won’t ever forget how you made me feel. I will hold tightly to our memories, they will be safe.
Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your story. Thank you for being a down-to-earth human being. Thank you for allowing your heart to become intertwined with mine for a moment in time. Thank you for showing me everything you were because now, now you get to become someone I always knew you could be – even if I can’t be there to witness it.
And, above all else, thank you for being a part of who I was. Our story changed me, shaped me, helped me in some profound ways.
I wish you all the best in this world.
And, if we ever can be a part of each others lives – in whatever capacity, I hope we can do so without anger, without hurt.
You will always hold a piece of my heart.
Still the hero.