I’m tired. I tried. I can’t.
Sometimes it just happens – something clicks inside your heart or your mind, reality hits too hard and the realisation that something isn’t right comes into focus.
So many of us just bottle everything in until it’s too much to handle. We ignore the red flags, we fail to see what we want.
We lose ourselves.
Or at least I did.
Or at least I continue to do so.
I continue to lose myself whether it be in translation, in the things I really want or the vision I have for myself at the end of this transition period. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the constant anxious feeling that sits within my stomach every time I leave my bed. I’m tired of that selfish child that sits on my shoulder every time I leave the house. I’m tired of feeling like, regardless of what I do, I’m always going to be hurting someone.
And, maybe, maybe I have dragged too many people along for the journey when I should’ve been focusing on the bigger picture – I’m sorry for allowing you all to enter my life in such a shitty period. But I can no longer be responsible for your happiness – I have to let go of that worry.
And I know this from two sources – 1. My therapist and 2. Will Smith.
Will Smith said: “You cannot make a person happy […] You can make a person smile. You can make a person feel good. You can make a person laugh. But, whether or not a person is happy is deeply and utterly out of your control.”
And my therapist taught me that happiness is something entirely internal and that it is completely okay to be selfish. Because there are far too many times where we make the mistake of looking for happiness to come from others instead of allowing it to come from within. Self-preservation is necessary – it will make you better in life and in relationships.
Through therapy I learned a lot: I was (and still am at times) unhappy with my life, myself, and the people I choose to let in. And to fix it, I need to just focus on myself. So, I worked on it.
I took a step back from the negativity. I listened to what was making me anxious, depressed and withdrawn. I began to focus on what I wanted. I found choices and boundaries. I walked away from “games.” I refused to be treated anything less than what I thought I deserved. I stopped doing things just to benefit others.
But then I lost myself again. I forgot all of that. I forgot that happiness comes from the inside.
My happiness. Your happiness. Our happiness.
It’s about finding that again.
It’s about figuring that out, whatever that means and looks like here.
Because you may have been tired, and I may have been hungry. I might’ve said one thing, and you might’ve done another.
We both have chips on our shoulders; stubbornness that bleeds though.
I tried to stay pissed, you tried to stay angry.
But we are both hurting.
We both lost the magic within that makes you you, what makes me me.
Maybe this retreat is what was called for from the very beginning.
Come and dance with me.
I’m here. I’m trying. I can.