It’s a painful realisation that most of what you thought was your life could be made up of false memories – memories instilled in you or directed to you based on someone else’s recollection of the events – mostly because you can’t remember what happened.
It’s a shock to your system.
It’s a shock to my system.
It’s hard to realise that so much of what you thought could have happened might not have.
Did I really do that?
Where was I?
Why is this happening?
What was going on?
Where was everyone else?
I can remember so many things, BIG things, but not the important things.
I can’t remember birthdays or holiday events. I can’t remember pivotal points in my life. It’s as if I am inside a tunnel and everything spun out of control. It passed by so quickly and I don’t know where any of that time went.
Was I happy?
Did I make anyone proud?
Did I make good choices?
Do I even know what happiness feels like?
As the days go on, as they pass by me, I can grasp hold of the things that mean the most to me now. I can hold onto the new memories as if they have always been there. I can create things that matter now. I can be the person I always thought I was.
But does it really mean anything if I can’t remember how I got here?
Maybe one day I will be able to answer that question – maybe I won’t.
I can’t be certain.
Heaven knows that I tried.
And maybe that is all that really matters now.