Shock and Awe

It’s a painful realisation that most of what you thought was your life could be made up of false memories – memories instilled in you or directed to you based on someone else’s recollection of the events – mostly because you can’t remember what happened.

It’s a shock to your system.

It’s a shock to my system.

It’s hard to realise that so much of what you thought could have happened might not have.

Did I really do that?

Where was I?

Why is this happening?

What was going on?

Where was everyone else?

I can remember so many things, BIG things, but not the important things.

I can’t remember birthdays or holiday events. I can’t remember pivotal points in my life. It’s as if I am inside a tunnel and everything spun out of control. It passed by so quickly and I don’t know where any of that time went.

Was I happy?

Did I make anyone proud?

Did I make good choices?

Do I even know what happiness feels like?

As the days go on, as they pass by me, I can grasp hold of the things that mean the most to me now. I can hold onto the new memories as if they have always been there. I can create things that matter now. I can be the person I always thought I was.

But does it really mean anything if I can’t remember how I got here?

Maybe one day I will be able to answer that question – maybe I won’t.

I can’t be certain.

Heaven knows that I tried.

And maybe that is all that really matters now.

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