You’ve Been Gone…

You think you know loss.

You think you know what it feels like to hurt.

You think you know how to handle yourself through hard times.

You think you know.

Until you hear those few words.

We’ve lost him…

Until those words mean something to you.

Until it means life or death for that someone you love.

We’ve lost him…

Today marks 19 years, 19 years since you’ve been gone. 

Today marks 9 years longer than I ever knew you.

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that you were teaching me how to throw a ball or hit one out of the park. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday you were smiling, laughing, talking. But then there are those days, days where it seems like ages since the last time I saw your comforting face.

I think of you so much, even when I know I shouldn’t… even when I know I should probably move on. The sadness consumes me most of the time, but then, I just continue on, letting the sadness feel normal. Because you pass through my thoughts, and I still continue on with what I am doing.

Because the missing you is always fucking there; the loneliness is always there.

But the memory of you is calming.

Reassuring.

Safe.

Pain is temporary, or at least that’s what they always told me. You lose someone, you grieve, you keep on living. It always seemed like there would be a specific length of time that grief would last. I didn’t quite understand that grief could stay with me, even after all this time. 

With time you learn, grief doesn’t follow any patterns. It has no walls, no boundaries, no rules that dictate when or where it will show itself.

It will hit you at the wrong times…

I will be laughing, and remember how I was told our smiles were similar. But, yet, I still continue to laugh because I know how much you loved to make me do it. Because it’s like I can still see the joy that I brought you and even though I miss you so much, I can see all the joy in the world too.

But then it gets heavy, the grief is overwhelming. No matter how much I breathe, how much I try to focus on other stuff – there’s nothing I can do to relieve that pain. I can feel my heart breaking all over again because I realise that I am  going to be missing you for the rest of my life.

Maybe I thought by now I would heal. Maybe I thought it would all just go away.

But I’ve learned that it is something that is just going to stay with me. Something I will carry on my shoulders until the end of my days.

Because grief is silent, just like you are now. It remains hidden beneath the surface. Maybe we cry from something that we know to be sad, like that one scene from that one movie or when that song comes on. But these tears, the ones that come unexpectedly, are an expression of what grief really is. You feel the sadness, but you don’t really know when it will come or that it is from missing the person you have lost.

But I don’t have to cry to know that I am missing you or know that the grief remains.

Sometimes it’s in the little moments when the sun is shining and you feel its warmth.

Sometimes grief comes when you are standing on top of a hill overlooking something that once made you feel at home.

Sometimes grief comes when you are laying in bed next to the one person who brings you so much happiness.

Sometimes grief comes when the boy gives you the sun.

Sometimes grief comes when you are looking up at the stars knowing that the person you loved so much is looking back down on you.

It’s that ache in your chest.

It’s that ball in your throat.

But life is still beautiful.

And, in turn, grief is beautiful too if you look past the sadness.

Because grieving the loss of someone, missing them so much, just means that we were lucky enough to have loved someone and been loved by them in return. It means that we had someone special, someone irreplaceable.

Maybe the sadness we feel is the price that we have to pay for a love like that.

I still wish I could see you one last time.

I still wish I could talk to you.

I wish I could ask you about your day, how you were feeling or if there was anything I could get you.

I wish I could hug you, even just one more time.

My heart aches for you.

I miss you with every fiber of my being.

Missing you will never end.

The ache will never go away.

The pain will never subside.

I’ve just learned to deal with it.

I’ve learned how to live life without you.

I’ve learned how to be almost okay.

Because I would like to think that those we love never really leave us. I would like to think that they become a part of us, that they live inside of our hearts. And even though we may never truly heal, we still carry grief with us, because grief is the equivalent of love. We will always miss our person (or people) because they are a part of who we were and who we will become. Our lives will forever be changed because of them.

I don’t think I will ever stop missing my Grandpa, I don’t want to. I’m so afraid to lose the little memories that I still hold onto. I am afraid of losing his smile or forgetting his laugh. I will always cling to that. I’m going to cry why I need to cry. I’m going to celebrate him whenever I get the chance. Because he was someone so special, someone who deserves to be remembered.

My relationship with my Grandpa will never be over. I will always be his little girl. I will always be proud of that.

It’s just important to remember this: there is no one way to grieve. Know that your grief is born from love. Allow it to fill you up and be sure to take this love with you – wherever your path may lead.

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