Capricorn: the leader, the assh*le

I’ll be the first one to say it, I don’t buy into the whole zodiac fiasco, but when I read all of the descriptors – it’s me to a fucking T. So let’s talk about it, and then let me not apologize for everything I am because I am pretty amazing once you get to know me.

I know that I am some rare being that should be protected at all times. I shield myself from everything and anything in this world. My brain is some twisted, complex puzzle that comes straight out of the da Vinci code. I’m so mysterious yet all I want is to live this free and beautiful life. I am reserved, shy, but so damn spunky and sassy that when I dip my toes into the wild side you will think I belonged there the entire time.

But I walk slowly.

I will always look twice before I cross the street – even if it’s a one-way.

Like the moon, there is always a side of me that will always be hidden.

Mostly my heart.

Because I will always have a hard time expressing my emotions out loud.

Because for every breakthrough there’s a mild breakdown.

But I will always push through, always. No matter how much pain I am feeling, I will always downplay it. Suppressing it to the point of mild hysteria.

And with every smile, every beat of my heart, every happy moment – I will always prepare myself for the disappointment because disappointment will never let you down in the way people can. And if you prepare yourself for the worst… well, there is no unknown factor that can break you to the point of no return.

But I will always secretly hope for the best.

I just feel content with the pain… which sucks.

You know that rubix cube that frustrates you to the point of throwing it across the room… that’s me when you are trying to break down my walls. And if you pass the tests, if you break through the cement, you are some mad scientist – bravo.

Because I reveal myself in small pieces – so small that you won’t really know what it really means sometimes.

Mostly because I struggle so much with finding peace with all of my imperfections, and battle with my insecurities. It has taken me a long time to be able to define my self-worth and know exactly what I deserve from people and this world. So, if you find yourself in my circle, if I end up trusting you – you deserve a standing ovation. Because that trust, that level of comfort, is unheard of.

Deep down, all I want is a love like no other.

I want someone to lift me up off my feet, and show me everything this world has to offer. Let’s hop on the next plane out of here and just go explore. Let’s turn on the engine and drive until we are so tired that we pull over and just get lost in the stars.

And even when I hide this away from you, when my shield is up – I will always desire that affections, that love, that acceptance.

Because all I want is to be held. All I want is forehead kisses before I fall asleep.

Because I want to love someone like that.

Because the love that I have for those around me is fierce. And with all of the wrong turns, all of the passion I put into the wrong ones, just imagine what it would be like if I loved the right one. 

And even though it takes time to trust someone.

And even though it isn’t going to be easy.

I will be your lighthouse when you are lost at sea. Some eccentric composition of flesh and bones that believes in love at first sight, the unexpected magic of love, and ultimately, new beginnings.

Because my love will bring out the best in you, the best in us, the best in everyone.

And it’ll never be about the things that you can buy or the things that you can do. I believe that it is the little things that matter the most – small acts of kindness and affection. It’s within the words left unsaid, the silences, the subtle touches, the longing. 

Because no matter who comes into my life, no matter how they treat me, I will always let my heart heal whatever ailment they are going through.

Mostly because I have so much energy within my bones.

And because it is effortless for me to do so, to heal that broken smile.

I notice everything, and I mean everything. I will remember everything, and I mean everything.

It is easy for me to fall into routines, schedules, complacency. My eyes will always cling to the details, the secrets.

But I also need you to know, I don’t need you. I will always prioritize my goals, my dreams over anything else. Success comes from hard work, try to tell me different and I will fight you on it.

At night, I think about the future, what it holds and where I will be. Sometimes I see the rolling hills of the countryside in Ireland, other times I see the hustle and bustle of the busy streets and skyscrapers in Toronto. And even if everything I see now is painted in black and white, it will come into colour very soon.

Remember: I care about you. I can feel everything that you feel. I can see within your soul and hold onto your secrets just as tightly as you do.

Because you may end up clinging to me for help, for protection, for strength.

Because I can be that soothing soul you crave.

But I am also a strange soul of intimidating comforts – confident, secretive, heart of gold – that remind you of home.

And while my head says make them fear you, my heart will always scream let them love you.

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