It Only Hurts a Little

I’ve made lists for as long as I can remember. Lists about everything and anything. I came across one similar to this not long ago and thought I would take a try at it again.

Because sometimes it is not all glitter and rainbows.

Sometimes it doesn’t come easy.

Sometimes it only hurts a little.

  1. The moment I saw them, the little teddy bear with hearts on its belly, I fell in love. I was 6, and no matter how many stuffed animals I had, they all instantly became my bestest friends. I remember bringing that bear with me almost everywhere I went – it got tattered, torn, and sticky but I still loved it. And then one day I got home from school and the teddy was gone. I looked everywhere for it, everywhere, and still I never found that teddy again.
  2. It had been a few weeks since I had seen you last. You were hooked up to so many beeping machines, you couldn’t open your eyes. “He’ll be back,” everyone kept reassuring the tiny girl in her jeans and t-shirt. But no matter how many times I heard it, I still heard the beeping machines – I still saw the yellowing of your skin.
  3. He was taller, dark hair, and a kind smile that just melted my heart – I would always blush when it just so happened he was the one I ended up marrying in MASH. I think he was the first ever real crush I had, and it was thrilling and so terrifying and all of the stuff in-between. Then one day my best friend cornered him on the playground and asked him if he’d go with me to the dance. Later she told me that he only shrugged and said, maybe if no one else asks.”
  4. I was thirteen or fourteen, maybe, and somehow I could feel everything and nothing all at the same time. I put on that fake ass smile and told everyone I was fucking-fantastic, I was fine, I was good. In reality, I hadn’t been sleeping properly, I was out past curfew, I snuck out – I couldn’t stop thinking about that release from all the pain on the inside. I guess I thought I fooled them all, until one day someone stopped me, looked me deadpan in the eyes and said, “You know, I can’t remember the last time I saw you smile.”
  5. Do you remember the first time you fell in LOVE? You know, the kind where you can’t eat, can’t sleep, shoot for the fences because it’s better than anything you’ve ever felt before? Everything about him made me feel… alive – it was frightening how one person could make you feel so much. I remember him asking me to hang out, that he would come get me and it’d just be us. So, I got ready, watched the time tick down on the clock. Eventually he came, 3 hours late, high and all of his friends shoved into his truck. I didn’t get in, I waved him off. I woke up the next morning, makeup smudged from the tears that rolled down my eyes.
  6. Sometimes I sit and wonder who would actually remember my birthday if it wasn’t for Facebook…
  7. He told me it wouldn’t work out. He said his dad told him to break it off because long distance relationships don’t work in high school. He said his dad told him to focus on his hockey and not me. He said he still cared, the circumstances just sucked. I said I understood… but did you really have to do it a week before Christmas? I hung up the phone, pretending that my heart didn’t just shatter into a million pieces falling silently into the acid in my stomach.
  8. I remember her yelling at her mom over something stupid, I think it was over the flavour of the soup we were having for lunch. I remember feeling everything she was feeling, she was my cousin after all. I remember chasing after her just wanting to make her feel better. I remember my hand being smashed between the door and the jam. I remember screaming bloody murder. I remember the blood pooling from my fingers onto the carpet. I remember them coming to my aid. I remember the bandages. “Where does it hurt?” but I couldn’t tell them, as soon as they were there it was like it had disappeared. I guess I was too young to understand that sometimes the pain that you experience in a moment is the same kind of pain that you’ll look back on and wonder if you ever really felt it at all…

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