I’m Going to Love You too Much

I will be the first one to admit that I am an easy person to fall in love with but a hard person to love. And it’s funny because you hear so many people say that the person that they love is just so easy to love, it’s simple. But is that really the case?

I’m not perfect, no one is. I have flaws, insecurities, issues, worries, things I carry with me, and things I can’t put down – they are all safely tucked into my suitcase, following me everywhere I go.

And I guess that’s why I am writing this, to you, because maybe someday you’ll end up with this letter and the apology that I owe you will be there in advance.

Because I am so damn sorry for being moody. It’s my chemistry, and maybe if our atoms decide to love each other, it won’t matter. I’m sorry if when I let this piece out of the suitcase I get mad at nothing and cry because that’s what I do when I get angry. I’m deeply sorry for looking at you, looking through you, and being mad at you for no reason at all.

And if we are being honest, and we are, I’m sorry for being over-the-top emotional. I’m sorry that sometimes these feelings just grow, and nothing you can say or do will make it better. But just know, that the patience, the acceptance that you show me will be given back whenever you go through a spell.

I worry. Maybe a little too much, maybe not enough. I’m sorry if I worry about the things that a normal person wouldn’t worry about. I’m sorry that the future sometimes scares me and that makes me worry more because in this moment I can’t see a future without you. I have anxiety, I have aches in my stomach, and I will fret over countless things – I’m sorry about that too. I will worry about the obstacles that not only I will have to face, but the ones you face, and the ones we will have to face together.

And I know it gets annoying, the constant need for you to reassure me. I’m going to ask you why a million times over. I’m going to put my head on your chest and listen to your heart as you tell me all of the reasons why it’s me you can’t get enough of. I will never get sick of that. Lay the cheese on thick, it’s what I live for. But most of all, I will always ask to be in your arms because that’s where I have found comfort, that’s where I have found a home – because home is not a place anymore, home is a person, thank you for showing me that.

I’m sorry for all of the ways that I will make you feel like I am pushing you away. I’m not doing it for the reasons that you think, know that. I have to take steps back sometimes because you are too amazing to be inside all of my mess. If you truly love me, you will come to understand this without me having to tell you, you will wait.

And you will come to understand that I may reject you, which sounds horrible, but it’s because of how much I really want you there. You will understand that that mess I was talking about is what’s keeping me be a work-in-progress. It’s part of some weird, twisted growth that I have to do to help me be the best person I strive to be. You will come to understand the war that is raging on inside of my heart because your love is the only peace that I have come to want.

I’m sorry, but I am going to love you too much. In spite of all of my shortcomings, I will always shout this out to the world: I will love you with all of my heart. I will love you even when I am moody because for every feeling of happiness or sadness or anger, my greatest feeling will always be my love for you. I will love you because if there is one thing that I wouldn’t worry about, it’s the love that I have for you – and hopefully, the love that you have for me.

And I am going to love you the most when I try to push you away because every time I do this it’s only reassure our love for each other. I have built up so much love for you that I wouldn’t be able to bear bringing you along in this storm, even though I know you would be willing to battle it with me.

But for all of this, for all of my apologies, I also want to thank you. Thank you for being the calmest, gentlest, most understanding soul I have ever met. Thank you for being patient, I know it’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it.

And thank you for being the home I always need whenever I need shelter from a storm. But, my love, know this: when the time comes for you to have all of these feelings, I will be there. I will always be by your side, holding your hand, reminding you how much you are loved.

I will always try to put my best foot out there sheltering you from all of the pain. And if I fail, because there will be times when I do, I will still be there – holding your hand. I will be beside you for all of the mornings and all of the nights, and all of the dusks and dawns in-between. 

Because your face is the only one I want to see, it is the only one that leaves me without worry.

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