For the First Time

For the first time in my adult life, I prayed last night.

I prayed to You because I want this feeling of being lost to go away. I want to stop not knowing where to go or what to do. I want to say YES more than NO. I want to stop saying that I have no time, or that if I do have the time that I want space more.

But mostly, I want to stop thinking that I can do things on my own. That I can survive without You. That I can breathe on my own.

I just want to stop walking through this life alone, waiting. I want to stop doing whatever the hell it is that I am doing and start walking by Your side.

I want to pick up the Bible again.

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel that love. I want to hear You instead of the constant noise that this world is producing. I want to have meaningful conversations with You.

Because I want You to know how much You really do mean to me.

Because I want to praise You and truly mean it.

I want to sing songs, deliver lyrics genuinely. I want to dance.

I want to please You instead of trying to be something that I am not just because it is what the world wants. I want to stop listening to what it wants from me and start listening to what You want me to be.

I want to aim for the things that will make You proud of me. I want to pursue people and relationships that will draw me closer to You – who knows, maybe you already put that person in my life and I didn’t even realise it. I want to chase the things that will honour You.

I want to be new, away from who I was yesterday.

Maybe this is the first step.

Maybe this is a new chapter.

Only time will tell.

For now, know I am trying.

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