There are certain songs that bring me back to moments.
Moments in time where we were together. Moments in time where it was only us. Moments in time where nothing else matter but the beat of your heart syncing up with mine.
When I hear them now, they take me back to you.
1. World Spins Madly On – The Weepies
“I let the day go by, I always say goodbye. I watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving, and I’m standing still.”
The first time I understood what it meant to really fall in love was with you, someone who came into my life quickly, rushing into my heart without looking back. It was funny how it took me so damn long to catch up to your feelings, watching you cling to every word that came out of my mouth, waiting for me to call us more than friends. And when it finally happened, lovey, I can still remember your smile – ear-to-ear and it never left your face. But as foolish teenagers do, we had no idea how to make our relationship really work. We faltered, we broke each other.
Then you told me you were moving away, our brief year together would be coming to a close come July. Let’s make the best of it, we said – and we did.
I remember getting the phone call, the day you were leaving. I ran all the way to your house, tears clouding my vision the entire way. I jumped into your arms and finally told you I loved you. You promised you would never forget me, kissing me on the forehead, your lips lingering a little too long – your mom finally having to grab your arm to make you go.
MSN was our mode of contact, we didn’t have cellphones then and it was hard to keep in contact with our busy schedules – basketball, dance, volleyball, soccer, baseball. You told me you got a girlfriend, that she reminded you of me. You said that was why you chose her and my heart broke. I made the choice to stop talking to you then, to allow you to grow with her and forget about me. It was the hardest thing I ever did.
And then you called me a year later. We stayed on the phone for hours. We reconnected. You promised that you would come down for a visit that coming weekend. You did, I didn’t answer my cellphone because you called at 2am. I missed seeing your face, getting to be in your arms. I apologized for days afterwards not realizing what was to come.
And then I got another call from your mom, she said that you were gone through gasping breaths and sobs. All I could say was no, no, it can’t. You had called me that day, we talked briefly. You called again, I was babysitting and couldn’t answer. Little did I know the last words I would say to you were I’ll see you soon, love you. At least I got that.
You are now apart of every single thing I do. I guess that is how first love is supposed to be. A good memory that allows you to believe that falling in love is a chance that you always, always have to take. A reminder that you get to keep all of those good memories, even if there are ultimately bad ones to come.
2. For the First Time – The Script
“Sit talking up all night, doing things we haven’t done for a while, a while yeah, smiling but we’re close to tears, even after all these years.“
We may have rushed into things, getting together only weeks after we had pretty bad breakups – but that’s high school for you… right? It didn’t matter, we knew what we wanted, why wait?
He was the comfort that I didn’t want to admit that I needed. An unlikely pair because up until that point I had only dated the good guys, the ones that didn’t have a reputation for being anything besides themselves. And him, well he was himself but held a reputation for being a cheater, player, etc. Did that stop me? No, I was a big girl.
You made me laugh, so hard that my stomach hurt the next day. We would exchange long messages on the computer, webcam chats, etc. You would play me the guitar and sing to me late at night, even with your mom telling you to quiet down. We never felt like we had to explain ourselves because we knew exactly what we were, who cared what anyone else thought.
We became content in our tiny, private little bubble. We were lost in each other, forgetting that the rest of the world existed. And when we finally surfaced back to reality, it all sunk in. We were on a rollercoaster that was stuck at the top, waiting for someone to come to our rescue. It’s a scary thing when you are shocked into reality, left wondering where time has gone. But we loved each other, right? We could figure this out.
And we did. We made it work.
3. Pieces – Red
“I’ve come undone but you make sense of who I am like puzzle pieces in your hand, then I see your face, I know I’m finally yours.”
I thought I knew what love was and then I met you.
I had known you for a long time, longer than we both really knew. You had spanned at least eights years of my life before coming to love me when I was at my worst. You instantly became the one person I couldn’t live without. In secret we would call each other, whispering I love you into the phone. In secret we would see each other every day, even on the days where makeup didn’t exist and finals left us falling asleep listening to music on your foldout bed.
Our relationship unfolded slowly, not knowing how to officially say what we wanted but knowing that what we were was greater than anything we could have ever had up until that point in time. But you were with someone else, so was I. It could never be anything more than best friends. As hard as it was, loving you was enough. Loving me was enough for you, until it wasn’t.
Friendship became too hard and we decided to stop talking.
And then we came together again.
And then we fell apart.
And then we came together one last time. In those three months I had never been happier. The smile that crossed your face, the way our bodies just knew each other, it was like we had never left each others side. We shared again. We laughed. We loved so damn hard.
And then you told me that this would be our final goodbye. You told me that you would always hold onto one day, to when we are old and grey and coming together again.
All of the things we had promised came down to an ultimatum. I call bullshit on whoever claimed that you should be happy for the person that you love, even if that means that they aren’t with you.
I wasn’t going to try to make you stay anymore, so I let you go.
We never officially became anything but you were my greatest love and my greatest heartbreak all in the span of five years. I learned a lot about myself from you. I learned how capable my heart is to love someone so much so that I don’t regret a moment of the unbearable pain that followed. I’m genuinely grateful for the experience, for getting to know you in the most innocently and raw ways. At least I got to experience what it was like to be loved so intensely, so genuinely because that is rare.
And at the end of the day, I can only imagine how much I will be able to love the right person, if I loved the wrong person so immensely.