What If I…


I know that I have been absent.

I know that as time moved on, the silence between us grew heavier.

I’m sorry that you had to be part of my dick move.

But that’s what growing up is, right? You find yourself thinking about all of the paths that you could have taken and all of the words that you should have said. You find yourself saying ‘what if’ more than anything else.

I know that I don’t always allow myself to speak up.

I know that I can be a coward sometimes.

I’m sorry for that too.

But what if I told you that I was here the whole damn time? I was here, waiting, waiting for something that never happened and ultimately left me wondering why. I was here, waiting for you to take me into your arms and tell me that you love me one more time.

I know that time is a cruel bitch.

I know that I didn’t want to lose you and acted selfishly.

I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t care.

But what if instead of you running back to the person who wouldn’t allow you to keep your best friend in your life because that person was me. What if she allowed you to keep me in your life. What if that love that we had never had to end that way.

I know that I didn’t put in enough effort to keep you around – I didn’t fight because your words stung.

I know that I run away too.

I’m sorry I didn’t realize what I was doing in the moment too.

But that’s what we get, you know? For chasing after something that was so fucking good, so fucking right. For chasing after the light even after it grew dark. For allowing time to get the best of us.

I know that I should have hit send on all those messages that I deleted after you said those words.

I know that I could have found you again.

I’m sorry that we never got the closure our friendship needed.

But now, we don’t even have that. You spent all of your energy chasing after her when she spit out ultimatums – is the happiness that you show really what you feel? I don’t think I would be able to truly be happy with someone who took everything away from me.

I know that you have probably long forgotten about our moments.

I know that I am holding on to nothing.

I’m sorry for that too.

I was here the whole time. I’m still here. But that’s okay, I can still see us in that place.

Ultimately, we are left with all these what ifs… all these missed opportunities that leave us in a constant state of numbness.

All these missed opportunities that could have equaled a love that was beyond words.

I know that it took too long to say all of these things.

I know that I waited too long to say the truth.

I’m sorry for writing all of this nonsense.

But it’s out here now, in the world.

And that’s something I’m not sorry about.

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