If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away

If there was a stairway to heaven, I would run up those stairs. I would sit and wait for hours, hoping they would let me in… just for a moment.

It’s that time of year again where the leaves change colour and fall to the ground. It’s also that time of year that is the hardest. Today would not only be your birthday, a day of celebration and happiness, but also a day that marked the last month with you.

There are days that I think about what we would talk about if we could. I don’t think I would say too much, I would be so in awe of you – there in front of me smiling. I would just listen to the sound of your voice, maybe this time I wouldn’t forget it so easily. Because with each passing day it gets harder to remember the little things, they fade so easily from my memory.

The tighter I hold on, it seems the harder it gets pushed away.

I would tell you that I love you, more with each day spent apart. I would tell you that I have not forgotten all of your lessons, all of your reminders.

I would ask you how you have been, if your heart is full getting to watch all of us. I would ask you if it hurt being taken away from all of us. I would ask you the secret to your beautiful smile, how you managed to keep it on your face regardless of how much pain you really felt. I would tell you how much I miss you, in case you didn’t know.

And even though you have been with me, even though I know that you are watching my every step carefully, there are still so many things you have missed out on physically. There have been countless days that you should have been apart of that you weren’t. There were times that I needed your arms wrapped around me, to hold me, but instead the strength that you passed down to me – I found within.

It’s the holidays, the birthdays, the special events. It’s the one less person that gets me every time. And the two days, now, that hurt more than most.

It’s the aisle that you should walk me down, it’s the parties that you should be dancing at.

And while it seems like we are all okay, we aren’t, we all live with the same hole in our hearts. It’s something that will never be replaced, it’s something we all can feel.

It’s funny, with death comes such a strong bond between those that are touched by it.

But if I could visit you, even for just one day, I know that nothing would change between us. We would pick up right where we left off.

I would ask you if you knew the reasons why this happened. I would ask you if you were ready to go.

Because everyone comes up with justifications as to why and how. But some parts of life just suck, we have to accept it not understand it. I hate that you aren’t here with us. I hate that there were so many things you could have seen and done.

I would ask you if you were proud of me. I would ask you if I had done it all right.

I would tell you that I am thankful for our little piece of forever together, as short as it was, you have taught me some of the greatest lessons life will ever teach. I would tell you that I know you are still trying to teach me lessons from above.

If I could visit just one time, one moment, I would hug you and not want to let go. I would be able to give you the goodbye that I never got to say, with tears streaming down my face. I would tell you that I wish I could take you back with me, because that is where you belong. I would ask you if there is anything you would like me to tell any of them down there.

But simply, I want to thank you.

Thank you for all the memories, for all the pictures. Thank you for the moment in time that we had together. Thank you for being my greatest supporter and biggest fan. 

I am glad that this hurts because it means it was real.

I am glad that I miss you because it means you meant something.

Because living the rest of my life with this pain and hole in my heart is better than not having spent a moment with you. Because it is better to love and lose than to never love at all.

And even though you’re gone, you are never too far away. Death can never separate us. With each gentle breeze, your voice is heard. When the wind blows my hair, I know it’s you pushing it back. When the raindrops fall it’s as if in those moments of happiness or sadness, you still feel what I feel. When those stars are twinkling in the night sky, you’re the brightest one. I will never forget that I was the apple in your eyes.

Happy Birthday, Tu me manques.

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