Outside Looking In pt. 1

“But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” – Matthew 6:20-21 (NIV)

When I think of the type of person I am right now and the person I aspire to be, I have to remind myself that even though I am not where I want to be in life, I have come a long way. I have to remind myself that even if I work my ass off and take pride in what I have done for the week – it is enough, even if I think it isn’t. I have to remind myself that even though I am goal-oriented and stubborn, or as I like to call driven, I – once again – have accomplished a lot.

I have to remember that I don’t need to live up to the standards that are set by this world. I don’t have to live up to the standards of anyone. I am absolutely enough – exactly the way I am.

Regardless of how truly complicated I am, I was made this way for a reason. I was put here for a reason. And I know that I will have to remind each and every one of you that I am a mystery behind these green eyes. As much as I want you to know what I am thinking, what I am feeling – I am not simple. My personality is complex, intertwined beneath a facade of simplicity. I am sorry for that – sorry that I won’t always be able to tell you exactly what I feel or what is on my mind.

I also know that I am a very serious person – so much so that when you joke with me it may hurt my feelings. I honestly don’t mean to have this happen – I don’t. I focus on the social aspect of things, about how it will affect others and in turn affect me. I take myself too seriously even though I am hilarious deep down somewhere. I just need to remind myself to put those eyebrows and shoulders down, relax a little.

But my most authentic self will make you feel safe. Within my arms you will feel like you are right at home. It could be a terrible trait to have, making you fall into my arms and soul only to have mixed signals sent your way – I don’t mean for that to happen either. I will tell you all of the things you need to hear and mean them because to me, you are imperfectly perfect. You are my friend, someone who I hope would look to me in their time of need. So, I will make you feel safe. I will be your person, if you’ll have me.

And while I know there is so much more I need to confess, that I need to get off my shoulders – part two will be on its way… eventually. For now, take this piece and treasure it because now you are one step closer to me.

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