Headphones

I don’t know how many times I have sat and listened to songs on repeat. I don’t know how many times I have sang along to songs. I don’t know how many time I have cried over lyrics. I don’t know.

Music heals. Music tells our stories when we no longer can express words that fit with our emotions. Music gives us all an outlet, a way to plug-in, a way to let go.

So, what do I do when I plug-in my headphones and disappear? Where do I go? Who do I see?

I dust off my headphones, plug them into my phone. Scroll through my multitude of songs, playlists. Think of my mood. I just go. I hit play. I close my eyes. I count to ten.

The chords start, the lyrics pick up. Welcome to my journey.

“Never again, never again, never again that one of us starts thinking. Calling again, calling again, calling again is a good idea. We start falling again, falling again, falling back into my head and even then…”

I always tell myself this: one day I will stop thinking about you. I will find myself no longer remembering your smile, the way your eyes lit up, the smell of your cologne. I will no longer remember the words that you said. But then those songs play, our songs, and I am left falling back into repeat. Your eyes flash before mine and I am left smiling stupidly at nothing because they don’t see what I see when I close my eyes. They don’t feel the things I feel when you creep into my thoughts.

┬áBut then I open my eyes and you’re still gone. So, I guess I have to keep telling myself: never again.

“Writing my poems for the few that look to me, took to me, shook to me, feeling me singing from heartache, from the pain. Taking my message from the veins, speaking my lesson from the brain, seeing the beauty through the pain!”

You can do this. You can. Look at how far you have come. Look at all the things that have tried to knock you down. Look at all the steps that you took. And still, you are here. You have done so much, you can still do so much. You are nowhere near finished with your story. You are nowhere near touching all of the people that are meant to hear your voice.

Those people that tried to get you down, the ones that gave you all the reasons to be quiet – where are they now? Exactly, they don’t know who you are – they never did. You are powerful, strong, kind. You are so much more than any of them will ever know. You need to believe in yourself. Those other guys, who gives a shit.

“You can’t do this anymore, but what are you really fighting for? Time won’t slow down and wait for you. There’s only so much one can go through. Just weight, just weight, just weight.”

If ever a two-minute song could change your life, it’s this one.

I have never been so moved, so taken aback by something that was so… everything before. After 27 years I still have not learned how to take the weight of the world off of my own shoulders. I don’t know how to remove the pain that I am feeling, the pain everyone else is emitting. I absorb it all.

But it is just weight, in the end. There is so much more that is around me, so many other people that are going through the exact same thing. I am not alone, you are not alone.

Do you know what you are fighting for? I do, now.

“And I’m falling down like it’s holy ground. I’m looking for you again, I’m looking for you again.”

Oh, hello, it’s you again. I really should get rid of some of these songs that bring me back to you. I should, but I won’t. I don’t want to let our story end. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you should either. You haven’t right?

“I don’t wanna hold you, I don’t wanna hold you back. I don’t wanna see you, I don’t wanna see you hurt like that. You had your heart in a cage. I’ll cut it loose, baby, fly away. I’m holding on to what we had but I don’t wanna hold you, I don’t wanna hold you back.”

There’s a few of you out there that will always hold a place in my heart. You will always have some sort of hold on a piece of me that I don’t want you to ever lose. I don’t want to lose you.

But I am not going to be pretend that it doesn’t hurt to see your life moving towards something that I can’t attain. I wish you all the best in this life, but I am not going to stick around and hold you back – especially when I know that I could.

Sometimes we just have to let go.

Maybe one day I will put on my headphones again and write while I listen. If you want me to.

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