To All the Boys Before You

Hello All of You,

Most of you have probably long forgotten me. Some of you probably still creep my Facebook, Instagram or Twitter every now and again. Few of you will remember what it was like to kiss me. Even less will remember what it was like to be with me.

But I wanted to thank you.

Thank you for taking my feelings and throwing them to the floor; for bruising my feelings like an apple placed down a little too hard. Thank you for saying harsh words behind my back but being kind to my face, for using me like a puppet you liked to play with only some of the time. Thank you for your lack of remorse when you noticed that I was having a rough day, hell thank you for even noticing me at all when you didn’t have a drink in your hand.

Thank you for doing it over and over again – taking my heart and breaking it down. For all of the tears that ran down my cheeks and onto my pillow as I laid in bed. For making me tell myself that it was my fault and not yours.

Thank you.

Why? Because you allowed me to see that the words and actions that come from others are only true if I make them so. That your actions did not come from a loving place but one filled with lust and a need to show off.

I thank you for all of the nos and maybes that were thrown my way. For the promises that you made halfheartedly and never fulfilled anyways. Thank you for playing hot potato with my heart. For telling me the things that I wanted to hear, and then throwing foolish actions my way. Most importantly, thank you for letting me down, because you taught me that the only love that matters is the one I give to myself.

Thank you for abusing my trust and breaking all that I had built up. For crushing my heart and making me hyperventilate. For making it so hard for me to open up my heart and break down my walls. 

Thank you for all of the apologies that were left unsaid – I am still waiting for them…

Thank you.

Why? Because you gave me a gift. You taught me that trust is not given, it is earned.

It was clear that I was never enough for you. But I am enough for myself, for him.

Thank you for all the times you made me question myself. For making me think that all of the ways that I liked you were lacking – that I would never be able to love you the way you deserved. For making me feel like I was unlovable and would never be loved the way that I deserved.

Thank you for making me nitpick at myself. For letting me go look in the mirror and know I would never be her. For making me do all of the unhealthy things girls do to perfect themselves.

Thank you.

Why? Because you made me realize that it was never me. I am more than enough, my flaws and imperfections are what make me the perfect me that I can be. They make me who I am and I am proud of them.

Again, thank you for leaving. For leaving without a single note or word. For not giving me the explanation that I deserved. For the what ifs and could be’s.

So, thank you.

Why? Because you made me who I am today and gave room for him.

And against it all, I overcome it all. I put my broken pieces back together. Me.

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