Looking back, there was a time when I believed in people – in you. I sat back and believed every little thing that came out of your mouth, especially when you were delivering me the story of your life. There was a time when everything was a truth that came out, everything wasn’t chalked up to better yourself with lies and dishonesty. There was a time when getting to know someone was genuine and true – now I am not so sure.
I still believe in my gut, my intuition, my judgement on the people that I let in my life. I think that might be a big reason why I don’t let a lot of you in. I know when you are telling me those little white lies that you don’t think matter. I know when you are trying to feed me with compliments to make me like you more. I know when you are not being honest with yourself – when you are unhappy with your life. Don’t ask me how I do, I just do.
It’s hard for me to give my heart to someone because there have been so many people who walk all over it. The words ‘I love you’ is just another thing to say to get something that you want or you feel that you have to say it because it is the right thing to do. There are so many people who say that they care, that they vow to never break my heart or walk away but, low and behold, they changed their minds. These are the people who have made me not believe in you, in all of you. These are the ones that disappeared overnight with not even a goodbye leaving me shook. They left me a little less hopeful, less optimistic, and more guarded than I ever have been.
That’s why I don’t tell you my secrets, my fears or my deepest, darkest thoughts. There are too many people who run their mouths to the rest of the town, the world. There are so many people who go to social media to rant and rave about the shit that happened to them kindly leaving out names or being total assholes and tagging people in them. Does this get you anywhere? Does it make you feel better? Probably not and if it does, it doesn’t last. With these people it is always a double-edged sword: they tell you are strong, others you are weak; pretend that they are listening but interpret it wrong. These are the people that love to tear us apart so they can be the ones to build us back up with their bullshit.
I guess this is why I isolate myself from so many people and only have a handful that I can call on at any time. This is why I say so little and listen so much. This is why I play it so safe because I don’t need the hurt that comes along with it.
I know I am cynical and overanalyze all the little details. I will never be able to understand how some people can go from talking to you every single day to not talking to you at all without a reason why or give you a million and one excuses. I don’t understand how someone can just up and drop you like you are a piece of trash without a second thought. I don’t understand the lies that people feed you thinking that you won’t find out the truth. I don’t understand. It’s a painful cycle.
And yet, look at me: still hopeful, still believing because I haven’t met all the people in the world yet. I haven’t met that one person who will make me forget all the rest. I haven’t found that group of people that I can fit in with so naturally that it is like family. Maybe I try to hard. Maybe I hold on a little too tightly. But I don’t like to lose people, I want you to stay.
But if you don’t, I guess that it is better to lose someone who doesn’t fit to make room for someone who does. I have to make space for the people who don’t want to me to change, the ones who like the story that I have to tell. I have to make room for those who are here for the long run, the ones who teach me what trust really means – the ones who love hard with me.