How long did we know each other? Almost 7 years at that point. 2,556 days. 61,360 hours. You had seen me through a lot: the highs and the lows, 2 graduations, big moments. You were more than a soul mate; you were my best friend, and my greatest confidant. It felt like you knew me better than I ever known myself. We spent so many days just talking, laughing, crying. You were such a good listener. You were my person, the one that would shelter me from the bad and kept me going.
You made me believe again – in magic and in love. You helped me see the world in a new way. You helped me experience things I had only ever read about. You made me stronger. You made me more confident. You helped me find new likes and even changed my opinion on things that bored the hell out of me. You helped me find my words and pick up my pen again. You loved me despite my flaws and called them my perfect imperfections. You were patient and so gentle – with my heart, my emotions, my body. You showed me what true faith was and a new hope that would triumph.
I fell in love with you – all of you. The way your eyes seemed like they were looking into my soul. The way you saw me. The way your smile would brighten my day and the days of others. How you always knew what to say. How you always showed up. How you read and watched The Notebook with me. The love that you had for learning. The experiences that you had made me want to see them all with you. I lived vicariously through you.
But now, every atom of my body hurts when I think about you. I get shivers down my spine and goosebumps form. I know where you are in life, I know that you have moved on. You seem happy – but that smile isn’t the one I remember, it almost looks broken. Sometimes I wish I could hide away and just escape reality. Because it all hurts, every single second of every day. I know it’s been a long time since we said goodbye, but I still ache.
I still question myself. I still wonder if I had done a few things differently that I would still have you in my life. That I would still have my best friend. That’s what hurts the most, I think. Knowing that each day spent without you is another day further away from the one person that meant the most to me. You were my best friend and that kind of missing is a bitter ache.
I had thoughts about us spending a lifetime together. I know you’re happy and that is what keeps me going. But everything still reminds me of you. Songs still remind me of you – hell I have a playlist dedicated to you. I still hold hope for that one day that we talked about, in that one place I’ll never visit without you.
I don’t know how you feel or think. I don’t know if I ever cross your mind. I don’t know if you wonder how I am or where I am. I don’t know if you miss me too.
I miss our conversations. I miss your movements. I miss your smirk. Listening to songs on low while we gaze at each other. I miss experiencing things with you. The way you would always send good morning and goodnight messages. The way you said I love you. I miss your ramblings and random jokes. How you never failed at making me feel special, feel loved, smile.
After everything, I would still take a time-turner and I would still choose to have you in my life. You have made me everything I am today. You helped me talk about the tough stuff and never failed to make me realize how it made me stronger. And I thank you for that, for everything.
I thank you for loving me, for making me feel like who I am is enough. Thank you for all of the things that we did together. Thank you for letting me down easy. Thank you for a little piece in time.
I will always love you, always.