When You Wanted Me

Maybe you shouldn’t have given me your heart. I never deserved it. I hurt you, and kept hurting you, I just don’t think you ever realized it. I wish I could have told you how sorry I was – I am.

It isn’t that I think of you often in that way and saying it out loud brings the realization to you. I remember how awful I was to you. I took advantage of every ounce of kindness that you showed me and let it feed a portion of my lonely heart. I basked in the attention you were giving me, the words you were saying – who knows, maybe you were just telling me the things I wanted to hear to get somewhere. I was too young to acknowledge what I was putting you through.

I stayed, like I always have, preventing you from fully moving forward. I left behind mixed signals and a road that was so twisty that you couldn’t find your own way back. I bet you were just telling yourself that it wasn’t the right time for us or that I would be yours when I realized what was in front of me. I always went back to the ones that hurt me, time and time again, all while you refused to give up on me.

On paper, it is clichΓ©.

We never fought or argued about anything. You always seemed to be trying to impress me when you shouldn’t have. I never wanted to put a label on what we were or weren’t. You were understanding and you kept following me despite how apathetic I was to what you actually wanted.

You were careful, cautious with every action – every word. You got to witness first hand the cold, the side of me that got angry at the drop of a hat. You also got to witness the childlike excitement that I had for life. We could stay up talking for hours.

I can remember the time that you stayed up all night because you didn’t know where I would be staying that night. You were so protective of me, of my well-being. It was the way you looked at me, regardless of how I looked at you, that made me believe in myself. But all of that, and more, couldn’t make me love you. Even when I felt like it was something I should do just to try it out, I couldn’t. It made my chest hurt and my heart sad because you tried so hard but yet it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t get that feeling.

You brought out a side of me I never knew existed – one I couldn’t bear to accept. I didn’t like who I was when you wanted me. You would always tell me how sweet I was, how I seemed perfect to you, and all of the other bullshit. I wanted to believe that you could be right but I am not sure I ever got there when you wanted me – I am now, you’d probably tell me that I haven’t changed, but I am now that person you said I was. I manipulated you into caring about me because everyone that I wanted to want me didn’t.

Allowing you to stay only developed an arrogance within myself. It made me believe I deserved to be treated that well by someone when I was careless with their feelings. All of this, ALL of it, doesn’t mean I didn’t care about you because I did. I just didn’t care enough. I took you for granted. I hung you out to dry. I would understand completely if you hate me, if my behaviour instilled in you a resentment that can’t be reversed.

I want you to know that I have evaluated it, I have taken a step back. I am finally compassionate enough to come clean about it all. I want so badly to make up for what I did, but every time I got the chance, I choked. I waited to long, I know that, but this is your apology – the one you deserve. 

My intention was never to hurt you. I got too wrapped up in liking how you made me feel that I forgot about how I made you feel. Besides the countless opportunities or my inability to get the words to come out of my mouth because that would mean opening up a door that has been closed for a long time. It meant talking about my emotions when they have been locked up for so long – it is still something I am learning to do. 

I know that you have moved on, that your hurting is gone. I hope that this doesn’t open up the wound too much. I do hope that this can bring you a comfort and I want you to know that it has been done to me too. This doesn’t justify my actions and it doesn’t downplay your feelings. It is meant to give you a peace of mind.

So, I know that what happened changed you. I guess that alone is arrogant of me to say, that I had some profound effect on your life. I know that I am just a girl who broke your heart now, maybe I was the first. I want to believe that deep down you are still that kind person you were so long ago. I know your innocence will never come back and I am sorry for taking that from you. I am so fucking sorry if I had anything to do with any of the bad shit that has happened since.

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