When You Wanted Me

Maybe you shouldn’t have given me your heart. I never deserved it. I hurt you, and kept hurting you, I just don’t think you ever realized it. I wish I could have told you how sorry I was – I am.

It isn’t that I think of you often in that way and saying it out loud brings the realization to you. I remember how awful I was to you. I took advantage of every ounce of kindness that you showed me and let it feed a portion of my lonely heart. I basked in the attention you were giving me, the words you were saying – who knows, maybe you were just telling me the things I wanted to hear to get somewhere. I was too young to acknowledge what I was putting you through.

I stayed, like I always have, preventing you from fully moving forward. I left behind mixed signals and a road that was so twisty that you couldn’t find your own way back. I bet you were just telling yourself that it wasn’t the right time for us or that I would be yours when I realized what was in front of me. I always went back to the ones that hurt me, time and time again, all while you refused to give up on me.

On paper, it is cliché.

We never fought or argued about anything. You always seemed to be trying to impress me when you shouldn’t have. I never wanted to put a label on what we were or weren’t. You were understanding and you kept following me despite how apathetic I was to what you actually wanted.

You were careful, cautious with every action – every word. You got to witness first hand the cold, the side of me that got angry at the drop of a hat. You also got to witness the childlike excitement that I had for life. We could stay up talking for hours.

I can remember the time that you stayed up all night because you didn’t know where I would be staying that night. You were so protective of me, of my well-being. It was the way you looked at me, regardless of how I looked at you, that made me believe in myself. But all of that, and more, couldn’t make me love you. Even when I felt like it was something I should do just to try it out, I couldn’t. It made my chest hurt and my heart sad because you tried so hard but yet it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t get that feeling.

You brought out a side of me I never knew existed – one I couldn’t bear to accept. I didn’t like who I was when you wanted me. You would always tell me how sweet I was, how I seemed perfect to you, and all of the other bullshit. I wanted to believe that you could be right but I am not sure I ever got there when you wanted me – I am now, you’d probably tell me that I haven’t changed, but I am now that person you said I was. I manipulated you into caring about me because everyone that I wanted to want me didn’t.

Allowing you to stay only developed an arrogance within myself. It made me believe I deserved to be treated that well by someone when I was careless with their feelings. All of this, ALL of it, doesn’t mean I didn’t care about you because I did. I just didn’t care enough. I took you for granted. I hung you out to dry. I would understand completely if you hate me, if my behaviour instilled in you a resentment that can’t be reversed.

I want you to know that I have evaluated it, I have taken a step back. I am finally compassionate enough to come clean about it all. I want so badly to make up for what I did, but every time I got the chance, I choked. I waited to long, I know that, but this is your apology – the one you deserve. 

My intention was never to hurt you. I got too wrapped up in liking how you made me feel that I forgot about how I made you feel. Besides the countless opportunities or my inability to get the words to come out of my mouth because that would mean opening up a door that has been closed for a long time. It meant talking about my emotions when they have been locked up for so long – it is still something I am learning to do. 

I know that you have moved on, that your hurting is gone. I hope that this doesn’t open up the wound too much. I do hope that this can bring you a comfort and I want you to know that it has been done to me too. This doesn’t justify my actions and it doesn’t downplay your feelings. It is meant to give you a peace of mind.

So, I know that what happened changed you. I guess that alone is arrogant of me to say, that I had some profound effect on your life. I know that I am just a girl who broke your heart now, maybe I was the first. I want to believe that deep down you are still that kind person you were so long ago. I know your innocence will never come back and I am sorry for taking that from you. I am so fucking sorry if I had anything to do with any of the bad shit that has happened since.

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