There are days where this feeling is unbearable. Days when I wish that you had never gone. Days when I wish you were still around. On days like these this is what I remember, this is what makes missing you a little easier.
Each and every single time you said that you would be there, you were and you were always early. Even when I wasn’t expecting you to show up, there you were waiting.
The innocent way that you would take my hand in yours.
The way your smile said it all.
How you always said goodnight in the most loving way possible only to put it to dust with your good-mornings.
You listened and listened some more. The words that came out of my mouth or the typed words on the screen, you read them all. You gave me all of your attention.
You made me feel like I was your world – that we shared our own.
Your nervous twitch of rambling until there was no breath left in you. How no matter what came out of your mouth, you still apologized because you thought you were talking too much. But, honestly, I loved listening to the sound of your voice.
Your love for your family – the way you cherished your upbringing. The stories you had from your family vacations. The spots you wanted us to visit together.
How your hugs were always the right amount of softness and tightness. I know now that you didn’t want to let go just as much as I didn’t.
You truly made my heart skip a beat – and it’s not only because I have a murmur. It was a look, your smirk, the way your eyes lit up when you saw me.
The way you made me feel like loving me was the only option. That this life wasn’t the same without me. You were truly every character I had dreamed up placed into my reality.
How even though I sent you 350 songs that reminded me of you, you downloaded them all. You heard the words that I couldn’t say, the feelings that were hard to express. You amazed me.
The way you never wanted to stop travelling. You were born to see the world and live in the wilderness. Your sense of adventure gave me wanderlust.
The way you would actually pick up your cellphone and call me. You wanted to hear my voice. You wanted to hear me say I love you every single night. I can still remember the way you said it back – how I could hear the smile in your voice.
You were, you are, unstoppable.
There will never, and I mean never, be a person that I would want to spend hours in silence with. Being held in your arms, the smell of your cologne, your fingers making designs on my back. Those are the moments where I had never felt a love so sincere, so innocent.
You inspired me. You are still my muse. You challenged me.
Your passion, your excitement.
When I miss you, this is what I think of. This is what makes it all a little bit easier. This is what still keeps me holding on. You punctuated joy and love into my life. I will be forever grateful for our small piece of time. I only wish I could have spent my whole life answering the questions that you had. For now, I’ll still hold on and I will mourn the chances that I have missed out on.