There are so many moments that happen in my life, in our lives, when I momentarily forget that our conversations are no longer the same. I forget because I had gotten so used to you being there. But don’t confuse this for what it isn’t, I am not pining for you – I am over that. I just miss you.
I don’t think about you every day that we don’t talk anymore. I don’t sit around and wonder when I will see your name pop up on my phone screen. You are no longer something that appears in my head constantly. I don’t wonder what you’re doing or how you’re doing.
Then your name pops up on my screen and I can see your face. I am thrown back into a whirlwind, I am back to that feeling where you were a constant. When you weren’t just a figment in my memories but a small piece of my reality. When you didn’t want to say goodbye. When you’re smile was because of me. But yet, here we are, you are still talking to me. You even tell me you miss me. You know what? That is the hard part. That’s what sucks.
It hurts when someone can let you go without much of a thought. When they don’t fight for you anymore. But then they come back into your life and it was like nothing had changed. You didn’t have to come back, you didn’t have to tell me you missed me. You don’t have to miss me. You could have just stayed, you could have never walked away in the first place. But it was your decision.
But don’t worry, I have faults too. I keep letting you come back, I keep letting you say those things. I even keep telling myself that one day you’ll come around. I wish I could show you all of the things that you are missing. I wish how I could show you how things are supposed to feel. But I also tell myself that since I am not worth your time of day, that you shouldn’t be worth mine. I should just hit delete and never turn back.
But that’s not me. I can’t turn my back on people. I will always stay, as much as it hurts.
Missing someone shouldn’t become natural. Missing someone shouldn’t be like this, not when they are so close.
So, here’s the simple truth: if you knew all of this would you continue doing the things that hurt? Probably. Now, here’s another: I am not going to come back to you with my heart. I am not going to sit and wonder about the next time we will talk or the next time I will get to see you. I am not going to pick up the pieces of my heart because you broke it. I will be guarded – my walls are back up. To be honest, that will take time because my heart still flutters when I see your smile and big eyes. I don’t like pretending and I don’t like playing games. So, the one thing I will do is not give in to yours.
Did I ever have the effect on you? Were the feelings ever real?
Mine were, maybe still are. They have to be. Why? Because it hurts. And it is evident with the struggle that is happening to form proper sentences for this. My never-ending back and forth about what I want and what my feelings are.
I guess I crave the feelings that were once so raw and so real to me. Now that they are a distant memory, it almost feels like I was playing pretend. That you and I, this – whatever it was, never even existed. So, I guess for now I will just miss you. That’s where I stand and that is okay.