There have been so many moments that I have wondered if I would ever see your name again. The days have turned into months; the months into years. You became a part of my memory, a part that is so far away that it is hard to remember your smile. There have been other smiles that have come into my life but none of them are yours – none of them come close.
I can’t keep denying that you don’t still take up a huge portion of my heart and life. Physically, you left; emotionally, you’re still here.
I think that there will always be a silent hope that you would find your way back to me. That you still look for me in crowds. That you would still run when you saw me. That your smile would be the brightest thing. That your arms would be the warmest.
And in the crowds that I pass through, my heart still stops when someone resembles you. I fear the moment when our eyes could meet again, the slow recognition of what was lost and now found. Wondering if you thought of me, if I thought of you. Wondering if we still cared. Wondering…
I never wanted to be that person, the one that looks for someone in a crowd; the one waiting. But I have become that person looking for you. What makes it harder is I look for the qualities that you possess in others. I know that it isn’t fair to compare one person to another, that everyone is unique and deserves a love like no other. But you set a standard, you made the template.
I don’t know what you are up to these days. I don’t think I could handle the reality of it.
The sad truth is that the only proof that you existed in my life is through the letters that have become weathered and the emails that I can’t delete. You are a fiction that I have created, one that I can’t let go of. Why? Because I am still full of hope.
I still see you in my dreams. You meet me at the one place that we always said we would visit together – the one place that we promised we wouldn’t visit with anyone else. It’s happy but I wake up lost. Late night thoughts leave me wondering about you. Thoughts linger about when you left. I still don’t forgive myself or you.
You haunt me.
I realize that things come to an end. But I also know that sometimes things come back. Because in some stories when the chapter ends, their part in your story is not yet finished.
Do I think I’ll hear from you again?
I have hope that I will.
How am I still holding on after all this time? Because I am Snape and you are my Lily.
Because I know that love is strong enough to overcome obstacles of any sort. I know that even when the odds are stacked up against you, there is still a chance that you will win. That is enough for me.
Because I know that things come into your life when you least expect them. I have left the chapter of you closed for a long time but it is still there. But no matter how long something stays closed or how long you allow yourself to push it from your memory, some parts of it still stay. And there is something about the people that you love. You take them with you wherever you go, they will always be a priority in your life.
There are times when I look at myself in the mirror or am sitting quietly reading and I occasionally think of you. The best parts of me had to do with you. There are moments where I wish I could tell you that my dreams are coming true. There are moments where you are still the first person I think of when I want to tell something important to someone.
So, maybe one day I will get to. Maybe one day it will happen.
You will run back into my life and say hello.
And everything will come back.
It will be cautious but it will be a comfort returning. There will be a sense like nothing has changed because it wouldn’t be the first time this happened to us. And while we will look a little older and be a little wiser. The truth will be that I didn’t have to fall back into sync with you – I was always there. You were always there.
After all this time…
It’s still you.