The hardest part about letting you walk away so easily was not allowing myself to say the things I always wanted to say. That day, and almost every day since, has moved slowly – like a turtle running a race. The journey to get here, to not have you cross my mind daily has been trying. I am almost there.
The easiest part in all of this is not having to see you. All forms of contact have ceased to exist, social media accounts have been blocked – there is no finding you. There haven’t been any accidental bump-ins because we live so far away from one another.
But now, I have made a decision, a final decision. I have figured out the things that I would like to say to you if I ever saw you again. I have to write them down because I fear that the day won’t come. I have to write them down because maybe by chance, you will come across them.
If I ever saw you again I would tell you how badly it hurt when you left. How it tore me from one side to the other. How you took a piece of my heart and a portion of my life with you. I want you to know that those pieces are finally back together.
If I ever saw you again I would tell you how my tears stained my cheeks for weeks. I would cry without realizing I was crying. It hurt. It felt like I would never stop crying. I had no one to console me, I had lost my best friend. I lost everything I had come to rely on all in a matter of hours.
If I ever saw you again I would tell you how you let me down. I would remind you what it was like to have me in your life. I would remind you of a love that was so pure, so innocent that nothing would tear it apart. I would remind you of your best friend. You were my everything. I saw a life with you. Remember? I genuinely didn’t know how I was going to tackle this world without you… but I have.
If I ever saw you again I would tell you of the betrayal that you left. You promised, you fucking promised, that if ever there was a day where you had to say goodbye it wouldn’t be over a text message. You lied. You promised that you would ease into, that you wouldn’t just eliminate me from your life. You lied. I believed in you and you destroyed all of it.
If I ever saw you again I would tell you how much I missed you. I would tell you the minutes, hours, days that I spent evaluating where it all went wrong. How I knew that I should have handled things differently when you came back but I couldn’t, I needed you to know how I felt – you can tell yourself that you didn’t feel it but you did. I would let you know that the person that I believed in was gone. That there wasn’t a day that went by that I thought you wouldn’t come back.
If I ever saw you again I would tell you that those feelings are dormant. I have realized that I am okay without you. The days still go by. I don’t have the burden of what ifs on my chest.
If I ever saw you again I would tell you that I am happy. My life is becoming something I am proud of. I am independent and I am writing. I have fallen back in love with words and it is once again changing my life. I know what I deserve and will never settle.
If I ever saw you again…