We all have those people, the ones that stand out in our mind because they hurt us. Now, for me, there’s been a few for various reasons. This is moving on, this is letting go. This is grabbing a new pen, a new notebook, and writing a new chapter.
You were the first person who turned their back on me when you were my person. At first I thought it was just the distance separating us after you moved away. We had it all – laughing until we cried, crying when something hurt us, holding each other, late night phone calls, love. I thought that our friendship could have tested all of time, that no matter what we would always have each other’s backs.
Now, you are just another name that I see on my Facebook page. I can’t even remember that last time we talked to one another. That’s a lie, I do. You were coming back to town and you said you would love to see my face. You came to town, you never saw my face – things got too busy, you had too many other faces to see.
Now, you have a family. I am missing that, seeing you raise a family when it was all you wanted to do. I see your smiling face holding your babies and I couldn’t be happier for you. I realize that there are more important things in life than holding on to a childhood friend, but you were the first to ever really leave me – a pattern that has continued since.
But I want to thank you for all of the happy memories that you left behind. I want you to know that I am not mad anymore. I want you to know that you will forever be in my heart.
You were the first person to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. You made me feel like being with me was a chore. That everything that went wrong had everything to do with me, my flaws, the things that you never enjoyed about me – the things you tried to change. These are the things that I have grown to love, the flaws make me imperfectly perfect, so thanks for showing me that.
I thought that because of my flaws, the things that made me imperfect to you, were the things that kept us from being something more. I never wanted to be perfect, and I still don’t. All I ever wanted was to be the kind of perfect that you wanted. Because you mattered to me, so I was willing to change myself. I never did change your mind, no matter how much I foolishly tried.
Now, I don’t care to change who I am to make someone like me or want to be with me. So, thank you for that – for showing me that changing myself to someone’s expectations only further hurts myself.
You were the first person that I had to pretend I wanted to be with. It was a whirlwind and I never really caught up to what was going on. To be honest, I have pushed you so far from my memory that I don’t even know how long I was with you – a week, a month or two. I know I hurt you too, I know that you still think I am the one that got away – but I’m not.
So, I am sorry for that. Sorry for being with you and making you fall for me because I wanted to fit in with the group I was hanging out with. But you also hurt me, you made me feel like I was some piece of ass that you wanted on your arm. You treated me like another notch on your belt, another shot that burned as it went down. You took advantage of me just as much as I did with you.
But, I want to thank you. Why? Because you showed me how to really feel something. You showed me that the person I was when I was with them wasn’t very nice, so I went back to my roots. Thank you for helping me find my way back to me.
You were the first person to make me feel stupid. Maybe that was your plan because I was so naive that I fell for everything that came out of your mouth. I was the one who gave into your spell and you took advantage of it, of me. You took advantage of the situation and made me think that it was so much more than what it was.
If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have handed you my vulnerability on a fucking silver platter. I wouldn’t have given it to you in the first place. If you thought disappearing would make it easier, damn were you wrong, you just made it easy on yourself because you didn’t know how to dish out rejection.
But I guess when it came to you, we both didn’t need to feel rejected. There’s no right way to do that. One person will always get the short end of the stick.
You were the first person I had to pretend that I didn’t care about them. I thought that since we got along, since we finished each other sentences – that maybe I could change your outlook on your own life. Because in full honesty, you are unhappy. That smile that you have plastered on your face is just as fake as the words you would spit out.
I thought that since we enjoyed each other’s company, or hoped, that I was more than just another face or body to you. I thought that maybe you saw a person, that you saw me. I guess I was wrong or maybe it was just the wrong time.
But you weren’t the first person that I was ever wrong about.
Maybe that was how I kept telling myself that it would be different. But the truth is you hurt me. I don’t care if that makes me weak or seem pathetic because to you we were nothing. I think you showed me what real strength is through that weakness. I think that with you still being around and not really being around is what hurt the most. But I can’t be sure.
I pretended it was enough. Pretending sucks, it fucking hurts.
You were the first person that I felt true regret over. Yes, I knew what regret was – what it felt like – before you, but with you it was different. I know it is not good to live with regret but I also know that I am not technically living with it, it’s just a feeling I get whenever I think about you.
I don’t regret allowing you to come into my life. I don’t regret feeling the things that I felt. I don’t regret sharing a piece of my heart with you.
I regret not spending more time with you when I had the chance. Because a person like you is once in a lifetime. I regret not telling you I loved you more because the look in your eye when I said it to you was something that is burned into my memory. I regret not holding on a little longer. I regret not fighting for you.
But you were the one that left, not me. That is what hurts. You couldn’t even keep me in your life. That hurts even more. Because you said a life without me isn’t worth living. Do you still believe that? What I wouldn’t give to know…