Solo

LighthouseImage.jpg

Anne Lamott once said, “lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” It is such a rare notion, to find someone out there who is not trying to constantly impress someone else, to be liked, or fill the silences with mindless chit-chat. It is rare to find a person that understands who they are and are completely okay with it. To find a person who won’t apologize for not going out of their way to befriend another.

I once thought that the number of friends you had, the amount of people who liked you determined the kind of person that you are. The more things that you attended, the more people who you had around you made you somehow more desirable. That being like everyone else made you stand out. I once thought that my self-worth relied on my ability to connect with people and be invited out with them. It is only when I thoroughly sat back and looked around, embraced my introverted self that I realized that none of that matters. My self-worth is no greater or less than yours because you have 10x the friends that I do on Facebook or get invited out to parties. Just because you have all the qualities that I lack doesn’t mean you are any better than I am. We are all given the same awesome pie, your piece is no bigger than mine.

Maybe I would rather sit alone, surrounded by candlelight and music playing, getting lost in a book. Maybe I would rather look like a hot mess than try to get ready for plans that always seem to get cancelled. Maybe I would like to stay in my jammie-jams all day. Maybe I am my own favourite company.

Don’t take me not talking to you personally, I am not being rude. I am introverted and I don’t see the point in trying to find a reason to beat around the bush with social pleasantries. I want to have a real conversation with you. I want our relationship to be raw and genuine. I want to feel like I learned something new about you and you about me. I don’t want to interact just for the sake of interacting. I am sorry that it is unacceptable to do this in every day settings.

Maybe I can be both internally focused and externally helpful. Maybe I spit out random nonsense to you in person but can write masterpieces. Maybe I like generating new ideas to discover something that is not obvious. Maybe the reason I seem so unstable to you is because I need to be stimulated with new knowledge and challenges.

I hope you don’t think that just because I like being alone doesn’t mean that I don’t crave your affection. I need to reunite with the outside world. I know that I can be both quiet and withdrawn but at the same time charming and fun. I know that my moods are determined by my surroundings, by the music I listen to, by the stories I read, by the shows I watch. I know that there is very little of the in-betweens; I am an all-or-nothing type. I know that I am a mystery; a walking contradiction.

I am not sorry for who I am. For liking quality foods and technology, as much as I hate to admit it. I like being surrounded by the good in life, by beauty, by sophistication even though I am a minimalist at heart. I will never be sorry for caring about the handful of people that are close to me, consider yourself lucky for getting to know this bubbly human being that I truly am. I will never get tired of being called an old soul or the wise one; being seen as insightful and helpful is something I aspire to. I won’t apologize for being passionate or sensitive, regardless of how many times you laugh at me for it.

I will take full responsibility for the change in my attitude, my posture, my mood when I walk into a room. There are times when I can sense the feelings of others and absorb them. I feel it all, a little too much. If you are excited, I am exited. If you are anxious, so am I. If I can feel that you are falling in love, I am right by your side. I may have a hard time articulating this to you, but I feel it all – intensely.

Maybe I push myself too hard to achieve perfection. Maybe I like to be noticed but not be the centre of attention. Maybe I come across as moody or cold until you get to know me. Maybe I am understanding and empathetic but incredibly stubborn. Maybe I procrastinate a little to much. Maybe I like to take risks, rebel a little but also need guidelines. Maybe I am intelligent but will still run into a wall. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic with a deeply dirty mind.

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