I Still Lose You, Every Day

I look around and still I notice that you are not here. I look around, after all these years, and still expect to see your smile. I look around and still wish that I could look into your baby blues. I look around and I am still losing you.

I know that the mourning will never stop. I know that it is selfish to still be upset that you left too soon. I know that with the slow burn that I still feel, that I am still losing you.  I know that I am going to be okay, my mind just hasn’t caught up with the time that has passed.

Loss is a necessary part of life. A part of life that takes years to move on from and still even then, it takes more years to be okay with it. The grief that accompanies loss will never truly end. The bitter ache that sits at the bottom of your stomach every time you think about that person will always be there. The taste will just become milder with time but there will also be times where it is just as harsh as the day it happened. Grief just like love: will ebb and flow, there will be a constant dance going on in your heart that is filled with joy, pain and sweetness.

This grief that we all have, that we all experience from time to time, is okay. Grief doesn’t have a timeline or rules to follow. It is just fine to feel the heaviness and sit there alone waiting to catch your breath. It is just fine to be a mess every now and again. It is just fine to think about them and miss them just as much. In many ways the grief that accompanies loss will last as long as the love that you have for them, your lifetime.

Life has been going on without you for a long time now. There have been great days, good days and days where I wish I could lay in my bed and just stay. The things that I loved experiencing with you are beautiful again. The things I want to share with you, I do. I know you are looking down from wherever you decided to settle down and are cheering me on with every step. I know that you are in a better place and accept that. I know that there is no more suffering. I know that you are just fine.

Your life was a blessing and you will live on forever. The memories that you left all of us is something that we all treasure, memories that we will never let go of. You are still loved immensely. You are missed daily.

I am grateful for knowing you, for having you touch my life with such a powerful force. You are more than just a memory, you are all of the moments we had together, you are everything to me still. I gladly take the years of grief and pain because all of that exists because of what you meant to me, to everyone you touched. Regardless of the nights that were lost from crying too hard and the years that will continue to pass; I will carry you in my heart.

But I am still losing you.

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