You are always given a choice of whether you are going to stay or go. A choice of where you are going from here and when you will start. A choice. It’s simple, will you be the one to go? Or will you be the one to stay?
I am a stayer. I will stay until there is no breath left in me, I will never give up. This may be one of my biggest weaknesses, I don’t know when to quit. I don’t know when to quit you, them, people, places, songs, books… my heart will keep on giving even when you have given me all the reasons to leave and this heart of mine will keep on staying. It doesn’t matter the kind of relationship we have whether it is romantic, friendship, familial, whatever the case may be, I am a stayer, you have a piece of me for life.
I once had a person tell me that this is the reason that I get hurt so easily, that I invest too much of my time in all the wrong places. Yes, maybe I do. Maybe I stick around because of a connection that we made once upon a time or that I enjoy talking to you or that you can make me smile when the rest of the world has given up. Maybe I stick around because I can do the same for you: I make you smile when the world doesn’t, I make you see the light, I make you feel happy. Maybe that’s the part that makes the hurt all worth it, maybe that’s the part of staying that’s worth it all. I will be your constant, I will be the one to stay. You are stuck with me and I am stuck with you, even if it hurts.
I won’t look the other way when you tell me you’ve done something terrible. I won’t run like hell in the other direction when the arguments get heated. I won’t shy away when you come to me, tears in your eyes, ready to give up on yourself. I won’t pull away and hide in a corner when the feelings get too real. I won’t imagine this life without you because, after all, there is only one you. That is my promise to you.
I know it isn’t going to be easy, being around me. I know that I am easy to talk to and that I can be the person you could spend a lifetime talking to. I know that we are both imperfectly perfect and that we connect on all different levels of intensity. I know that there will be extended periods of silence because I get inside my own head and enjoy my own company. I know that there will be times when you cannot stand to be around me and I cannot stand to be around you because we are both stubborn. I know all of this and then some. I am still willing to stay, are you?
You can give me a thousand reasons why, it won’t matter. I know because missing you does not compute within my heart, it is bad enough that I don’t get to see you on a regular basis. It is bad enough that I have to live within a world where I have already lost you and you won’t ever come back, but still I stay. It is bad enough that when I used to wake up in the morning, there would be a message waiting from you, now there isn’t. It is bad enough that your family is growing, that you were my best friend. But still, I stay because maybe one day you will realize that our friendship really did mean something. Or maybe you already do miss me and don’t think I miss you, well I do, know that.
I will stay because I let it happen, I wanted this, I made the choice. I want the smiles to extend from your lips to mine when they touch. I want the laughter to continue through our inside jokes (because to this day no one understands why Veggie Tales I Love My Lips is so hilarious). I want to feel our fingers interlocking and how that feels just right. I want to smell your cologne long after you leave. I want your presence to linger just a little while longer. I want to stay because all of that and more is worth it.
I am done with everyone saying that life and love can be chalked up to change, growth, time, drifting. Yes, it happens but it doesn’t mean that you can’t bend and mold with it to keep the people in your life that once made you so happy your cheeks hurt from smiling too much. Yes, break-ups and divorces happen but that doesn’t mean you have to live a life in dislike towards the other person; it happened, it hurt but good came from it too and that good cannot be lost. Love is not something that should be treated as though it is temporary, the love stays, it’s just the type of love that changes.
We are taught now to see that endings are on the horizon. Promises are meant to be broken (yes, there are times when it is necessary, but not always). We grow up playing with hearts and minds. But yet, we are supposed to be searching for ‘the one’ when we are teaching ourselves the opposite.
I don’t want that with you, for you, with any of you.
I want the messy. I want the bad days because there are so many more good ones. I want you to see how stubborn I really am and laugh it off. I want to understand you and you, me. I want all the contradictions, the uncertainties, the inconsistencies. I want it all.
“I want to see you at your worst, at your best and everything in-between.”
I want it real and I want it raw. Because that is love, real love.
So, I will stay. I will stay even when it hurts. I will stay when it is messy. I will stay. I will fight for you, with you, all of you. I will be your constant when everyone leaves. I promise.