All I Want

Do you ever hear a song, whether you heard a snippet on it from a pivotal scene in a movie or TV show, or just happened on it by chance, and instantly you are transported to another place, another time? To a person that you haven’t seen in years or a happy memory. I do this, all the time. Most of every song that I hear reminds me of something or someone after I have sat and listened closely to the lyrics for a good 10 to 15 minutes on repeat… yes, I do this, and so should you. You get so much out of listening to one song after a while, after embedding the lyrics into your memory. After closing your eyes while you listen to the melody. If someone ever gives you a song to listen to, do this, you might just come out of knowing something more about that person or the significance that that song will bring to your friendship or romantic relationship. Music is amazing that way, it can say so much in 3-7 minutes.

Now if you don’t want Suits, or have not made it through to season 4 and don’t want to be spoiled. Move along young padwan, this is not the post for you.

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Suits brought me to this song. Suits gave me a piece of myself that I hadn’t even known I was looking for. It brought me into a place watching Rachel working closely with Logan, hearing him say “love” while putting on her scarf before she leaves his office, seeing the look on her face. I sat back, paused the show. At this point I am heavily invested in the characters and their relationships, you see I have a slight addiction to televsion – and I get carried away. I was angry at Rachel the entire episode for working with Logan, for not even thinking of telling Mike about it. And then when Logan leaned in… oh, NO! But Rachel stopped it, she knew that the right thing to do was walk away, to walk away from something that would potentially hurt what  Mike and her had at that point and continue to have going forward. The look on both of their faces in that instant in time said it all, what was there – what could have been there was real for the both of them. And walking away could either be the best thing or the worst thing. Cut scene to Rachel pulling off the scarf representing forgetting everything the Logan was proposing within that moment. Cue chills. Because in that instant, how many people out there would be able to walk away without knowing, with being that secure in a relationship that has had a lot of up hill battles and built up around lies. It was then that I hit rewind and re-watched it. I found myself Google-ing the song instantly.

That is when I found it, All I Want – Dawn Golden. It was everything I needed in that moment, finishing the episode, evaluating it in my mind. I listened to the song on repeat, I can’t remember how many times, but it stopped being about the show and took me somewhere else. The lyrics drifted into a place and the place turned into a moment. A moment that is burned into my memory like a candle burns the carpet when it falls. It is a memory that is so vivid when this song comes on that I can’t keep myself from thinking about it. It is one of those memories that you keep so close to your heart, the ones that you never want to forget. The ones where you can feel how you felt in it, the ones where you can be in that place and everything else slips away.

He was standing there, hands in his pocket. Walking slowly towards me as I sat on the bench. It was such an innocent thing, the way he saw my face and his eyes lit up. The way his smile cracked his cheeks and he started to blush. I could tell he was nervous. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time. He looked at me, I looked at him and smiled. A smile that was so genuine it hurt. He smiled back, said hello, took me in his arms in the biggest hug. I fit like a missing puzzle piece in the space where his chest met his shoulder blade. And that was it.

The song plays on repeat. The memory plays on repeat.

“But we were younger then and now we’re not. And if there was a plan made and we forgot about it. And if there was time, I could figure it out now but life is short and I don’t care for most of it. […] Because you’re all that I, All that I want.”

Would you go back to a memory that was sprung back by a song? Would you change the way that it played out? Would you keep it safe, locked up in a sealed box in your heart?

Every moment in your life means something, whether it is just meant for you or not. Each moment builds you into the person that you are today. Every step you take, every word you speak; it all means something in the end. Just remember, that sometimes the moments that hurt the most meant the most. Those are the moments that you hold closer, those are the moments you play on repeat like a song you can’t get enough of.

Have each moment mean something.

Because you are all that I want and I thought you should know.

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